Friday 25 December 2009

Peace and Friday 55 Flash Fiction # 102 Santa?

It was Christmas morning.

Sally’s eyes popped open.

Something had woken her.

She’d heard tinkling.

Creeping from her bedroom she stood on the landing listening.

There was definitely tinkling.

Holding her breath Sally listened intently.

Suddenly the bathroom door opened,

Sally jumped back.

“What a relief, I needed that tinkle!” whispered her husband,

“Happy Christmas.”

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. G-man cancelled FFFs this week but I couldn't resist!

Have a Happy Christmas Everyone.

I'll visit you all next week to catch up.

Wednesday 23 December 2009

Onions and Christmas Trees.......

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.


'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

Sorry guys. LOL

Monday 21 December 2009

He said to me.......

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . ... ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said . . A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

I wish I'd thought of those retorts! LOL

Friday 18 December 2009

Friday 55 Flash Fiction # 101 Another Day?

Vaguely aware of the gentle illumination
of my natural light alarm clock
steadily getting brighter.


Ignore it.

Bleep, Bleep…….

Eyes fly open, look at the clock.

Befuddled brain wakes.

Disorientated, I throw back the covers ready to leap out of bed.

Another morning, 6am, time to get up for work.

Then I remember…..

I’ve retired!

What a lovely feeling to turn over in bed and go back to sleep.   I retired yesterday and today is the first day of the rest of my life!   There's something to be said for reaching the big 60!  Yippeeee!!!!!!

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Tuesday 15 December 2009

Portrait Of Words # 23

This writing challenge has changed. Originally Jeff (A Word in Edgewise) started up this monthly challenge, derived from a previous challenge from R.E.H.'s "Picture Fiction Challenge", but Jeff has given it up and Dr. John (Dr. John's Fortress) and Thom (Thom's Place 4 Well Whatever) have taken over. The challenge is now every two weeks and you can get all the details here, where you can also pick up the links to read all the entries. Do pop over and read, you won't be disappointed.

The challenge is you are given a number of pictures and must use some/all of the pictures to create a story.

Marjorie and Herbert were gazing out of the window of the plane, watching the sun rise over the sea. They were on their way to Egypt to see their daughter, Cassie, marry Omari, a local man she had met whilst working on an archeological dig. They hadn’t met Omari, they didn’t know anything about him at all, except that Cassie loved him.

Apparently the wedding was being held in the dessert quite close to the dig, Herbert and Marjorie did not know what to expect never having travelled anywhere but Brighton for their holidays. Cassie had instructed them on what they would need to pack for the week they were to spend in Egypt and she had made all the arrangements; flights, hotel etc. All they had to do was get on the plane and she would meet them at the other end. They were excited about the wedding, the trip, seeing where their daughter had been working, but they were apprehensive about meeting Omari as they knew nothing about him.

The flight was pleasant and their experience through customs in Cairo quite painless. Thankfully Cassie and Omari were there to meet them and before they knew it they were checking in to the hotel. Cassie had booked an expensive hotel, telling her mother and father not to worry about the cost as she would sort it out. She suggested they unpacked and had something to eat and she and Omari would come back for them later, when it was cooler, and take them sightseeing. Thankful for the chance to cool down they kissed their daughter and bid her and Omari farewell.

After exploring their room and marveling at the view from the balcony, Marjorie started unpacking the cases whilst Herbert tried the shower in the marble bathroom. They were both very impressed and couldn’t believe the difference between this luxury hotel and the little B&B where they usually stayed in Brighton. When the phone rang and the receptionist told them Cassie was in the foyer waiting for them they were down there before Cassie had time to blink.

Cassie was taking them to the dig first to show them where she had been working for the past two years and explained that Omari would be there, as he was still working. When they arrived they couldn’t believe the conditions Cassie had been working in but were fascinated to be shown some of the artefacts that had been found. Omari couldn’t go with them for the rest of the sightseeing tour but promised he would see them that evening at dinner.

That evening at dinner in the hotel Cassie and Omari explained the arrangements for the wedding. Tomorrow they would be transported to the venue in the desert and would spend the night in a traditional Bedouin tent until the wedding the following day, then after the wedding, because it would be late and it was too far to bring them back to the hotel they would be staying in the tent again with his parents. Herbert and Marjorie weren’t sure they liked the idea of sleeping in a tent but it seemed like they hadn’t got a choice. The journey took three hours and by the time they reached their destination they were too exhausted to even care that they had to sleep on the floor of a tent, or that the place their daughter was to get married was little more than a deserted shack covered by some sort of awning.

Omari’s parents were gracious and explained that the guests were mostly family and most of them lived in the desert. The wedding seemed to go well, though Herbert and Marjorie couldn’t understand a word of what was said, they just hoped it was legal. Everyone was really friendly and most of the people could speak passable English, so there wasn’t a communication problem. The food on the buffet was like nothing they had even read about let alone experienced and the other guests were keen for them to try the local dishes, much to their surprise, Marjorie and Herbert enjoyed the food immensely, considering they were only used to English fare.

Marjorie and Herbert hadn’t really had time to speak to Cassie much and were concerned that she didn’t really know what she had let herself in for. How would she cope living like this, even at home in Brighton she lived in luxury compared to this. Another night in the tent made Herbert determined to speak to Cassie before they left to find out if she really knew what she had done.

The following day they said their goodbyes to Omari’s parents and the other guests and travelled back to Cairo with Cassie and Omari. Omari apologized that he had to go back to work but Cassie told them she could spend some time with them before they had to leave the following day. Marjorie and Herbert were relieved to hear this, as it meant they could speak to Cassie in Omari’s absence.

Once back at the hotel Cassie sat in the parent’s room and asked if they had enjoyed the wedding. Herbert and Marjorie told her they had but were concerned that her decision to marry Omari meant that she would be spending the rest of her life living in a tent in the desert and they were worried about future grandchildren.

Hearing this Cassie collapsed into fits of laughter.

“Mum, Dad, Omari is the first born son of the wealthiest family in Egypt – they own this hotel!

“Why the wedding in the desert and the tent then?” asked Herbert.

“They don’t live like that all the time Dad, they just wanted a traditional wedding.”

“Well that’s a relief” Herbert and Marjorie said in unison.

Monday 14 December 2009

Remember when........

I received this in an email and it brought back some wonderful memories for me, I hope it does the same for you.


All the girls wore ugly gym slips

It took five minutes for the TV to warm up

Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home from school

Nobody owned a thoroughbred dog

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny

Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces

You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked, and petrol served, without asking, all for free, every time.

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents

They threatened to keep children back a year if they failed. . . And they did it!

When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car...

And people went steady

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked

Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the rules of the game

Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals ........because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger

And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip back in time ....... and savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today.

When being sent to the head's study was nothing ........ compared to the fate that awaited the student at home

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.

Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!

But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, rounders , Hula Hoops,

and visits to the pool, and eating sherbert with liquorice sticks.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember that'?

I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a Double Dare to pass it on.

To remember what a Double Dare is, read on.

And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.

Send this on to someone who can still remember the Lone Ranger and Sgt Bilko

How Many Of These Do You Remember?

Coca Cola in bottles.
Blackjacks and bubblegums.
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops.
Hi-FI's & 45 RPM records.
Adding Machines??

Do You Remember a Time When..

Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?

'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

Catching tiddlers could happily occupy an entire day?

It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was'chickenpox'?

Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a catapault?

War was a card game?

Cigarette cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange - flavored chewable aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!

Friday 11 December 2009

Friday 55 Flash Fiction # 100 Ultimate Ride

It was costing him a fortune but he was going to do it - besides he could afford it.

Mark had done his research and he'd found it....

the ultimate ride - higher, longer, scarier than any theme park ride.

Since his lottery win nothing was out of his range......

not even the Virgin Galactic Tourist Spaceship!

The Virgin Galactic Tourist Spaceship which Richard Branson has unveiled this week.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Wednesday 9 December 2009

Shopping, for a husband........

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: to avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Monday 7 December 2009

The Big Decision.......

A man wakes up in hospital , bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the M8. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...... something happened.

I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.' The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It's £1000 an inch.' The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want'. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have,' says the man. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'She has,' says the man. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor. 'We're getting a new kitchen.'

Saturday 5 December 2009

Saturday Wordzzle # 91

I mistakenly posted this last Saturday forgetting that Raven said there was no Wordzzle last week.   So, anyone who commented last week I can tell you you're not going mad you have seen this before!

The idea is, every week Raven (Views From Raven's Nest) gives you between 8 and 10 words/phrases and you have to create a small but coherent paragraph using every one of them and the same with the mini challenge. You can do either, both or a megawordzzle using all the words, or even all three, it's up to you, you can post them on your blog or email them to Raven. If you join in go to Raven's and put your name on the Mr. Linky so other participants can come visit you.

Here's my efforts

Words for this week's 10-word challenge are: edge, haven, sunglasses, sprightly, telling, frazzled, juicy, quartet, tied, necklace

Within an hour of arriving at the Coconut Haven Resort David had donned his sunglasses and was soothing his frazzled nerves with a glass of rum punch, whilst listening to the quartet that were playing at the pool bar. Reaching for a juicy peach from the bowl on the bar he bit into it as he surveyed the people idling round the pool. He noticed an elderly lady returning to her sun lounger from the aerobics class and thought how sprightly she was, he also noticed the huge diamond necklace she was wearing.

Somehow David and Dorothy (the diamond woman ) were seated together at breakfast and before long Dorothy was telling him her life story and they got on like a house on fire. Three days later David was knocking on Dorothy’s door to escort her down to dinner when he discovered the door was open. Gingerly he pushed it open further and discovered Dorothy tied to the radiator, gagged and bound. He quickly untied her and picking up the phone he dialed reception asking them to call the police. Dorothy managed to tell him that she had opened the door to a knock thinking it was him and a masked man had knocked her off her feet, tied her up and stolen her jewelry from the safe, which had been open because she had been choosing which jewelry to wear. David admonished her saying “I told you to keep your jewelry in the hotel safe!”

He soothed Dorothy’s shattered nerves and accompanied her to the police station, thankfully she wasn’t hurt but she was very shaken and insisted the hotel arrange a flight home for her that day. The jewelry was insured so she wasn’t too upset, it could be replaced she told David and she insisted on taking him to a jewelers to buy him an expensive watch for rescuing her, before she left. David told her it wasn’t necessary but she insisted so he accepted the gift with good grace.

After waving goodbye to Dorothy at the airport David returned to the hotel and took up his place at the pool bar. The barman slid a glass of rum punch across the bar said

“You’re losing your edge David, those diamonds were fake but you still did well at least you got an expensive watch out of it!”

And for the mini: bees, crackling, wooden, staple, earful

Martin cautiously approached the wooden hive wearing the staple beekeepers hat and suit. He was aware of the crackling noise of the veil as he moved and he tried desperately to keep calm about the bees buzzing round his head. Eventually he completed his tasks and was able to remove the beekeeper’s garb. He looked at his supervisor and asked “Did I do OK?”

“Well you didn’t check that the veil was down properly and had this been the real thing instead of a simulation you would have ended up with an earful of bees!”


Maggie was a sprightly pensioner; she refused to wear the stereotypical pearl necklace and twinset, instead opting for cutting edge fashion and sunglasses with everything. She had moved into sheltered accommodation at Sunny Haven and had shaken the peace and tranquility of the place as soon as she’d arrived. The first people she had wound up were the quartet of women who virtually ran the place because they’d been there so long. They were like bees buzzing around into everyone’s business, their voices crackling through the corridors as they gossiped about the other residents. It wasn’t long before their noses were firmly out of joint as Maggie took over.

Organisation was Maggie’s forte, she had been an events organizer before she retired and within a couple of weeks of arriving at Sunny Haven she had set up weekly exercise classes and workshops on everything from tiedyeing to making wooden toys. She was horrified when she discovered the residents’ staple diet was sandwiches, as they couldn’t be bothered cooking, so she worked tirelessly until arrangements were made for them to get a proper cooked lunch every day in the common room and a supply of juicy fruit whenever they wanted it. Maggie was always on the telephone to someone giving them an earful about what was needed, telling them that she wanted whatever it was NOW not in a month’s time. She never looked frazzled and the other residents marveled at how she was always on the go.

Life was such much better at Sunny Haven since Maggie’s arrival, everyone agreed, except the quartet. They wouldn’t join in any of the activities and complained about everything Maggie did. Maggie tried to make friends with them and include them, she suggested they form a committee but they wouldn’t hear of it.

When one of the more senior residents, Bill, passed away it came to light that he had no family to take care of his funeral arrangements and no money either with which to pay. The quartet were terribly upset about the situation as they had had known Bill for many years and really liked him. Reluctantly it was to Maggie they turned asking if she knew if there was any way a decent funeral could be arranged for him. Maggie sorted everything out and Bill got a decent send off with all his friends from Sunny Haven attending, she had even arranged a sit down meal for everyone after the funeral. From then on the quartet thought Maggie was wonderful with all her contacts and know-how and were falling over each other to join her committee. From then on things just got better and better and Maggie was in her element.

What they didn’t know was that Maggie wasn’t short of money, she had been married to a very wealthy man and inherited enough money to keep her comfortably for the rest of her life, after he died. She only lived at Sunny Haven for the company because she had no family. They also didn’t know, and they never would, that she had paid for Bill’s funeral herself. Maggie was happy again.

Friday 4 December 2009

Friday 55 Flash Fiction #99 Voyeur..

Through the window he watched the couple in an embrace.

Voyeuristic, but unable to tear his eyes away, he watched their passion unfold.

Feeling the heat in his face, and his own hot breath steaming up the window

He had no choice but to watch,

because his bus had broken down - right outside the house!

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Tuesday 1 December 2009

Portrait of Words # 22

This writing challenge has changed. Originally Jeff (A Word in Edgewise) started up this monthly challenge, derived from a previous challenge from R.E.H.'s "Picture Fiction Challenge", but Jeff has given it up and Dr. John (Dr. John's Fortress) and Thom (Thom's Place 4 Well Whatever) have taken over. The challenge is now every two weeks and you can get all the details here, where you can also pick up the links to read all the entries. Do pop over and read, you won't be disappointed.

The challenge is you are given a number of pictures and must use some/all of the pictures to create a story.

For this challenge we were given 4 pictures and some lyrics to use.

Julie and Gabe sat watching the capsules full of people rise into the sky on the London Eye. They were taking a lunch break from their job and enjoying the sunshine in the square.

“I’m leaving Julie” Gabe told her. “I’ve finally got a post in the City, at last someone has taken my degree seriously” he said.

“That’s wonderful Gabe, you won’t forget me and the boys will you?” asked Julie.

“How could I forget you and the boys. You’re all so special; Vinnie, Freddie, Juan, Arnold and the others, we’ve had some great times the past two years.”

Of course, as always when someone leaves a job promises to keep in touch become like pie crusts, made to be broken, and Julie and the boys didn’t see Gabe again.

Gabe made a great success of his job in the city, he got rich and bought the big house and car but he never did forget Julie and the boys, it was always his intention to go back once he’d made it. Five years had passed when Gabe parked his car and checked the mirror to make sure Julie was there, still working in the ticket office of the London Eye.

Resplendent in his suit and bowler hat he got out of the car, went to the boot and removed the things he had packed into it earlier. Setting up the table he covered it with a cloth and placed the crockery and cutlery on it then the food from the hamper. By the time he sat down to eat they were all there – his friends – Julie and the pigeons; Vinnie, Freddie, Juan, Arnold and the others, he’d come back to feed them like he used to do when he worked with Julie in the ticket office.

“They’re singing Gabe, the pigeons are singing and you know what they’re singing?” Julie asked.

Welcome back, your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,

But those dreams have remained and they’re turned around.

Who’d have thought they’d lead ya (Who’d have thought they’d lead ya)

Back here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)

Yeah we tease him a lot cause we’ve got him on the spot,

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

“I told you I’d be back Julie, will you marry me?”

Apparently the lyrics are from the song “Welcome Back Kotter”. I’ve never heard of the song or the programme but I Googled it, which is where I got the names from.