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Friday, 31 December 2010

Friday 55 Flash Fiction #146 Regrets......



Dan watched Angie sleeping.



Tracing his finger over her lips he kissed her tenderly.


Dan deeply regretted the affair with Tricia, it had been a terrible mistake.


Now he was truly thankful to whoever had taken the photograph that ended it.


He really loved his wife,


he just hoped she’d never find out about Tanya.

 
This is a continuation of my last two Flash 55s #145 here and #144 here.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Growing old gracefully.....

I received this in an email and it cracked me up, I hope it makes you smile.



To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.


One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:



(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!



Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.



Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.



When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.



Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.



Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.



When the joints ache, When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Monday, 27 December 2010

Microfiction Monday #34


Susan at Stony River hosts this fun theme each Monday, so do pop over and read the others who have

signed Mr. Linky. The rules are thus:


Every Monday Susan will post a picture for the subject of your story. Microfiction means the shortest of short stories. Think Aesop's fables, comic strips, or even jokes: complete stories that can be told in under a minute. For this game, the limit is a tweetable 140 characters or fewer, including punctuation and spa


Here's today's picture and my contribution.


Hi, you new to these parts?


 
Yeah, I just dropped in on my way home from the south coast. I’m a racing pigeon.


 
How exciting, what’s your racing name?


 
Shytalk, what’s yours?



140 characters including punctuation and spaces

Friday, 24 December 2010

My wish......

No Flash Fiction today just this, for you



Wishing you all a Very Happy Christmas

and

A Healthy & Prosperous New Year

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Having a laugh.....

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'


So he tied her up and went golfing.


****************************************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.


First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.


The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'


'Can you read this?' the optician asked.


'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'


'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.'


********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.


That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.


The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Monday, 20 December 2010

Microfiction Monday #33


Susan at Stony River hosts this fun theme each Monday, so do pop over and read the others who have
signed Mr. Linky. The rules are thus:


Every Monday Susan will post a picture for the subject of your story. Microfiction means the shortest of short stories. Think Aesop's fables, comic strips, or even jokes: complete stories that can be told in under a minute. For this game, the limit is a tweetable 140 characters or fewer, including punctuation and spa


Here's today's picture and my contribution.





The excited children thought the piglet would make a great pet.



Mother was thrilled with it too,



she wouldn’t have to buy a turkey this year.



140 characters including spaces and punctuation

Friday, 17 December 2010

Friday 55 Flash Fiction #145 It's Over.......




Watching her husband playing with the children, Angie smiled.



His affair was over, she had listened into the telephone call when Tricia phoned to tell him that her husband had found out .



Dan was blissfully unaware that Angie knew about his affair,



or that it was she who had sent the photo to Tricia’s husband.



This is a continuation of last week's Flash 55, if you missed it click here.



Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

The Cost of Divorce.......


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,



'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'



The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95'.



The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?'



The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's b*lls.

Monday, 13 December 2010

Microfiction Monday #32


Susan at Stony River hosts this fun theme each Monday, so do pop over and read the others who have
signed Mr. Linky. The rules are thus:

Every Monday Susan will post a picture for the subject of your story. Microfiction means the shortest of short stories. Think Aesop's fables, comic strips, or even jokes: complete stories that can be told in under a minute. For this game, the limit is a tweetable 140 characters or fewer, including punctuation and spa


Here's today's picture and my contribution.



A satisfied smirk played on Mary’s lips.



“This’ll teach him not to cheat on me” she fumed



as she rubbed his toupee up and down the washboard.



140 characters including spaces

Friday, 10 December 2010

Friday 55 Flash Fiction #144 The perfect gift......



Christmas morning found her tearing at the wrapping paper enclosing her Christmas present.



Tricia gently removed the contents and stared at a beautiful silver framed photo,



a perfect shot of her and Dan in a passionate embrace.



She gasped in shock, dismay clutched at her heart.



No doubt now, her husband knew about her affair.



Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

A Builder's Story......

Fred asked his wife Mary if she would go to B & Q and pick up a hinge.






Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the employee to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap set.





When the employee was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap set?"







The employee replied, "That's a gold plated tap set and the price is £4999.00

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap set. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Fred had sent her to buy.

The employee said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the employee yelled. "Madam, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back,

"No, but I will for the tap set."

This is why you can't send a woman to B & Q

Monday, 6 December 2010

Microfiction Monday #31


Susan at Stony River hosts this fun theme each Monday, so do pop over and read the others who have
signed Mr. Linky. The rules are thus:


Every Monday Susan will post a picture for the subject of your story. Microfiction means the shortest of short stories. Think Aesop's fables, comic strips, or even jokes: complete stories that can be told in under a minute. For this game, the limit is a tweetable 140 characters or fewer, including punctuation and spa


Here's today's picture and my contribution.



Being new to town, he was surprised when the cab stopped at the cemetery and the driver declared




“Here you are Sir, the dead centre of town!”



140 characters including spaces

Friday, 3 December 2010

Friday 55 Flash Fiction #143 Lost....



The car breaks down, she sets off walking,



until she’s lost in the woods, having lost the compass.



Cold, frightened and tired she tramps through thick snow then discovers more footprints!



Relieved and thankful that she is not alone, she follows them.



She realises she’s walked round in a circle,


 when she finds the compass.



Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.


Wednesday, 1 December 2010

From the London Times: A Well Planned Retirement.....



Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years,it's parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars £1.40, for buses about £7.


Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.



The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.



The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.



The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.



Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.



Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name.



Yer gotta larf!!