Ponderisms.....

These, received in an email, made me ponder.....

I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I learned that most people die from natural causes.


There are two kinds of pedestrians – the quick and the dead.


Life is sexually transmitted.


Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
 
Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
 
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
 
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
 
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? . . .
 
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
 
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
 
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


 
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
 
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

The wisdom of 6year olds......

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

 

1.	Don't change horses	until they stop running.
2.	Strike while the	bug is close.
3.	It's always darkest before	Daylight Saving Time.
4.	Never underestimate the power of	termites.
5.	You can lead a horse to water but	how?
6.	Don't bite the hand that	looks dirty.
7.	No news is	impossible.
8.	A miss is as good as a	Mr.
9.	You can't teach an old dog new	math.
10.	If you lie down with dogs, you'll	stink in the morning.
11.	Love all, trust	me.
12.	The pen is mightier than the	pigs.
13.	An idle mind is	the best way to relax.
14.	Where there's smoke there's	pollution.
15.	Happy the bride who	gets all the presents.
16.	A penny saved is	not much.
17.	Two's company, three's	the Musketeers.
18.	Don't put off till tomorrow what	you put on to go to bed.
19.	Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and	you have to blow your nose.
20.	There are none so blind as	Stevie Wonder.
21.	Children should be seen and not	spanked or grounded.
22.	If at first you don't succeed	get new batteries.
23.	You get out of something only what you	see in the picture on the box.
24.	When the blind lead the blind	get out of the way.
25.	A bird in the hand	is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.	Better late than	pregnant.

An Irish Ghost Story....

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. 

 

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.

 

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. 

 

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. 

 

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk. 

 

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.'

Shades of something....

After 20 years of marriage a couple were lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began to moving down past the small of her back. 

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. 

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock, and down her leg to her calf.   Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.   He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"

He said "I found the remote!"

Go on have a laugh.......

Thought I'd share some funny emails with you.......

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

----oOo----

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."

"Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

----oOo----

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid...then I was petrified

----oOo----

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

----oOo----

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

----oOo----

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,

3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

----oOo----

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought,

"I can get one cheaper off the web."

----oOo---- 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

----oOo----

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

----oOo---- 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

----oOo----

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

The Barber......

Apologies to Daryl, AJ and Ron as you couldn't see the original post I put up (Why Teachers Drink), not sure why but hope this will make you smile instead.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?"
      The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
      The guy left.
     
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
      The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
      The guy left.
     
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
      The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
      The guy left.
     
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.
      He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
     
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
      The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
    
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

The value of a 2H pencil....

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.  One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.


 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' 


When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.


'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..


A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior? 


But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.


'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.


And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.


The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'


Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
 


The nun fainted

Listen carefully and follow the instructions....

       
Hello and thank you for calling the State Mental Health Hotline. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep . Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever .

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Pardon?.....

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask   'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testiclesblack?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says,'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,smiles at her and says very slowly,'Thank you very much. That was  wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?

A bit risque but funny don't you think? 

Don't make old people mad......

Checking  out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that  she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't  good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained,  "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The  clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not  care enough to save our environment for future  generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the  green thing in its day or didn't call it "green."

Back then, we  returned milk bottles, soda bottles, and beer bottles to the store.  The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and  refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they  really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our  day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator  in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and  didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two  blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our  day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't  have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy  gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really  did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down  clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.  But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in  our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house --  not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a  handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of  Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we  didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we  packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old  newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap Back  then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the  lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by  working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills  that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green  thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty  instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink  of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new  pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing  away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't  have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the  streetcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked  instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one  electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a  dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive  a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to  find the nearest pizza joint.

But the current generation  laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the  green thing back then?



Remember:  Don't make old people mad!
We  don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to  tick us off.

Housework was a woman's job......

 but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children  bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the  dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was  astonished!

It turns out that Dave had read an article that  said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework  were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The  next day, Janice told her  friends all about it. 'We had a  great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids  do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really  enjoyed the evening.

'But what about afterward?' asked her  friends.

 'Oh, that........... Dave was too  tired.'

Something to make you smile.......

1 .  Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd  think at least one of them would have seen  it.
2.  Phone answering machine message - '...If you want  to buy marijuana, press the hash  key...'
3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only  Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I  can clearly see you're  nuts.' 
 
4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other  day but I couldn't find any. 
 
5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him  50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the  top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too  high.' 
 
6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong  currant pulled him in. 
 
7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious  accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't  feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you  can't, I've cut your arms  off'. 
 
8.  I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a  muscle. 
 
9. Two  Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit  a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for  all that you can't have your kayak and heat  it. 
 
10. Our  ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police  say that he topped himself. 
 
11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing  out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some  cream to put on it.' 
 
12.  'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass  of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.  '
'Is it common?'
'It's not  unusual.' 
 
13. A  man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look  at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his  eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?  Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's  really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the  doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up  my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you  start.' 
 
15. Two  elephants walk off a cliff...boom,  boom! 
 
16.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A  fsh. 
 
17..  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says  to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure,  you look great, the world's your oyster, go for  it..' 


 
18.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was  drinking battery acid, and the other was eating  fireworks. They charged one and let the other one  off. 
 
19. 'You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the  windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was  nice.' 
 
20.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt  my arm in several places'
The doctor said,  'Well don't go there  anymore' 

Just wanted to leave you with something to make you smile as I won't be posting again until next week, we're away for a few days come Friday.  Have a great week(end). 
 

No Way Buddy......

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to England, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!


Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.


The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.


Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.


So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.   Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

An Irish Story......

 As St. Patrick's Day has recently been and gone, I thought you may enjoy this little Irish story....



Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he  was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they  would send an inspector to interview them.

On the  appointed day, the inspector turned up.
 "Tell me about your staff,"  he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay  him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's  the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and  lodging. There's also the half-wit.  He works a 16 hour day,  does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of  whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my  wife."
 
 "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to  interview the half-wit."

 "That'll be me then,"  said Paddy.

When women lie......

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family..The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires...

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?'

'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked...


Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.


The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it

Making a baby......

Making a baby. This is hilarious! 
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!-- 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'   

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'   
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'   

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'   

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'   

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'   
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'   

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.   

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'   

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?' 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 

'Tripod?' 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' 
Mrs Smith fainted