Wednesday 29 April 2009

oUt oF tHe mOuThS oF bAbEs.......

Someone emailed these to me and I just had to share:

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when awoman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was starknaked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note fromhis mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During herstruggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer thephone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She'shitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's lockerroom. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbingtowels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and thenasked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of thestation. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van... Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ' Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole hegoooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wastingmy time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and  they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


Monday 27 April 2009

aLpHaBeT aNsWeRs.....

I found this at Trav's Thoughts and pinched borrowed it.

A - Age: 59

B - Bed size: Queen Water Bed

C - Chore You Hate: Cleaning Windows

D – Dad’s Name: Joe

E - Essential Start Your Day Item: Cup of Decaf Tea and Fruit salad

F - Favorite Actor: Julie Walters

G - Gold or Silver: Both

H - Height: 5' 5"

I - Instrument(s) you play:  Piano accordian - No I'm kidding I don't play an instrument.

J - Job Title: Careers Administration Officer

K - Kid(s): Two boys and a husband!

L - Likes: Wine and beer

M - Mom’s Name: Elsie

N - Nickname: Poppet

O - Overnight Hospital Stay Other Than Birth: Tonsilectomy, giving birth (twice), Knee Debride, Emergency urology problem, Hysterectomy, Knee replacement.  Well you did ask!

P - Pet Peeve: Rudeness

Q - Quote that you like: One's life is never in vain, no matter how short, if people remember you. (Akelamalu 2009.)
 R - Righty or Lefty: Righty

S - Siblings: Two brothers, both younger.

T - Time You Wake Up: I wake up regularly through the night but I actually get up at 5.50 a.m.

U - Useful tool: Tweezers

V - Vegetable that you dislike: Butter beans - Bleurgh

W - Weather you dislike:  Snow (There was no W so I just made this up!)

X - X-rays You’ve Had:  knees, ankles, hips, chest, abdominal CT scan

Y - Yummy Foods You Make: Pancakes for MWM - I don't eat them!

Z - Zodiac: Scorpio - watch my sting!

Feel free to have a go if you like.

Saturday 25 April 2009

Saturday Wordzzle # 60

The idea is, every week Raven (Views From Raven's Nest) gives you between 8 and 10 words/phrases and you have to create a small but coherent paragraph using every one of them and the same with the mini challenge. You can do either, both or a megawordzzle using all the words, or even all three, it's up to you, you can post them on your blog or email them to Raven. If you join in go to Raven's and put your name on the Mr. Linky so other participants can come visit you.

Here's my efforts, complete with my doodles.

This Week's Ten Word Challenge is: preparation, tic-tac-toe, splurge, auction block, the bitter end, milk, papyrus, when the parade passes by, bill of lading, stone wall

Bill, of Lading Drive, was leaning on the stone wall eagerly awaiting 2 p.m. when the parade passes by and the auction block started. He was going to splurge on an Egyptian papyrus he’d seen advertised. He had to wait until the bitter end of the parade before he could cross the road. Preparation was not one of his strong points, so he had not bothered to bring a drink with him. Feeling rather thirsty he bribed some children, who were playing tic-tac-toe, to leave their game and go to the nearest shop to get him a carton of milk. The children didn’t come back with either the milk or his money!

Mini Challenge: polar bear, 20 seconds, get it together, spasmodic, antiquity

Searching the ice cave hoping to find an antiquity, Arnold was unaware he had about 20 seconds to get it together before a polar bear made one of it’s spasmodic visits in search of food.


Jack (Polar) Bear, a University lecturer specialising in Egyptology, was excited when he’d got talking to Abasi, the owner of a restaurant in Cairo. Abasi, who was also a guide at the museum, told him that there was a papyrus up for sale, which had been found just recently hidden in the stone wall of an already excavated tomb.

Abasi offered to arrange for Jack to see the antiquity, but it would have to be the following day as the museum was closed today because of some festival, so they would have to “wait until the festivities are over, when the parade passes by” he said. “Just give me time to get it together and make all the arrangements. The papyrus isn’t going up for sale at the auction block, it will be a private sale but I can provide a bill of lading to prove it’s authenticity.” he explained

Jack ate at the restaurant for four nights hoping, each night, that Abasi would tell him when he would be able to see the papyrus. Jack became friendly with the chef, who invited him into the kitchen to witness the preparation of his favourite dishes, he even played tic-tac-toe with the staff when the restaurant shut for the night. Of course he paid for the drinks for both himself and the staff, he hoped his bank account could stand the splurge.

The night before Jack was due to fly home Abasi had still not come up with the goods, he promised he would bring it to Jack’s hotel room the following morning before Jack had to leave for the airport. That night Jack awoke with spasmodic pains in his stomach, making him feel as though if he didn’t get to a toilet in the next 20 seconds it would be too late! The following morning Jack was feeling better and was able to drink a glass of milk, he hoped his stomach would be able to hold onto it. He waited until the bitter end hoping Abasi would come with news of the papyrus before he had to leave for the airport. Abasi never arrived.

Of course there was no papyrus. It was all a ruse to keep Jack coming back to the restaurant and spend his money. Abasi had told the chef to spike Jack’s last meal to make him sick, so that he wouldn’t be well enough to go back and give Abasi a piece of his mind.

Friday 24 April 2009

Friday 55 Flash Fiction # 72 Here Comes The Sun

Here comes the sun

I love my friend the sun.

I lift my face to it's brightness.

I unfurl for it's warming caress.

I stretch my length to try to draw closer to it's rays.

Some say I am golden like the sun.

I need the rain.....

but I prefer the sun,

mused the Sunflower.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Wednesday 22 April 2009

Honest Scrap........

is an award that has been bestowed on me by Emmie (Emmas Dilemmas and Great Expectations).  Yes, I know what you're thinking "she's got another bl**dy award!"    Well I like them and if people think I'm good enough to receive them it would be very churlish of me to refuse wouldn't it? 

So my thanks to you Emmie I'm honoured m'deario. x

So here it is:

Anyway like most awards it comes with rules:

"The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or 2. Firstly you have to tell your readers 10 things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly you have to tag 10 people with the award."

I now have to think of 10 things about myself that you may not know, not sure I can do this but I'll try.

1.  I've been on a diet since 7th January 2009 and have lost 16lbs to date.  I have another 28lbs to lose to reach my target weight.

2. I will celebrate my 60th birthday in November 2009, and retire in December.

3. I broke my ankle when I was 12 years old during a gym lesson at school.   It still aches during cold weather.

4. I tore my anterior cruciate ligament in my right knee when I was 14 in another gym lesson at school.  This led to arthritis and a total knee replacement two years ago.  This has given me a new lease of life after struggling to walk for the past 10 years.

5. I hated gym lessons at school - can you blame me?

6. I have a condition called Heberden's Nodes, bony growths on the terminal interphalangeal joints of the fingers caused by osteoarthritis. At the moment is is only my index and middle finger on my right hand which are affected at the moment.   However, there are signs that the index and middle finger on my left hand are heading the same way.  Not pretty but unavoidable it would seem.

7. I had a total hysterectomy four years ago.

8. I had my ears pierced when I was two years old by my grandmother who used a darning needle! Ouch!

9. I have a high pain threshold.

10. I won't be leaving this world with everything I arrived with!

Now I have to pass this award on to (i.e. Tag) ten more bloggers, so here goes.   It's not compulsory if you really don't want to it but if you do please let me know so I can read the 10 things about you.

Step up to the plate:

Thom (Thom's Place 4 Well Whatever....)
Dr.John (Dr. John's Fortress)
Connie (Connie Picture That)
JAPRA (Just A Plane Ride Away)
Nick (Nick's Bytes)
Daryl (Out & About In New York City)
Dianne (Forks Off The Moment)
Smalltown RN (A Place I Call Home)
Coudia (Comfort Spiral)
Pam (Finding Pam)

Monday 20 April 2009

Silly names........

This looked like fun so I pinched borrowed it from Dr. John's Fortress.  Feel free to have a go.

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car) - Teddy Peugeot

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe) – Mint Boots

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal) – Red Dog

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born) – Ruby Manchester

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name) Naype

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink) – Yellowbrandy

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers) – Adam John

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) Tabu Mingle

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) McCormack Manchester

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower) – Summer Gerbera

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now) – Kiwi Crops

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) – Fruit Willow

13.Movie (or porn) star name (first pet, first street where you lived) – Teddy Brechin

Saturday 18 April 2009

Saturday Wordzzle # 59

The idea is, every week Raven (Views From Raven's Nest) gives you between 8 and 10 words/phrases and you have to create a small but coherent paragraph using every one of them and the same with the mini challenge. You can do either, both or a megawordzzle using all the words, or even all three, it's up to you, you can post them on your blog or email them to Raven. If you join in go to Raven's and put your name on the Mr. Linky so other participants can come visit you.

Here's my efforts, complete with my doodles.

This Week's Ten Word Challenge is: prefix, art festival, income tax, chicken noodle soup, jump rope, Dutch Treat, flowering plum tree, bats in the belfry, diamond earrings, tigers

“Come to the art festival with me?” Jane begged her friend Mel.

“You know I’m not into that sort of thing” retorted Mel.

“I’ll let you borrow my diamond earrings anytime you like and we could have lunch at the ‘Bats In The Belfry’ restaurant afterwards, you love their chicken noodle soup” bribed Jane.

Meeting at the ‘Prefix’ gallery the following day Jane paid their entry fee then broke the news that “I can’t afford to pay for the meal at the restaurant. I’ve just filled in my income tax return and finances are worse than I thought, so it will have to be a Dutch treat.”

“Typical, you got me here under false pretences” complained Mel.

“Oh shut up you’ll enjoy it” said Jane.

Sitting in the restaurant later Mel shook her head. “What a load of rubbish! How can anyone call a sculpture of a pile of kid’s jump ropes and a tiger’s skin art? There was only one thing remotely artistic and that was the painting of the flowering plum tree.” said Mel.

“Yeah I agree” said Jane “but the artist was dishy wasn’t he, and I got a date with him!”

Mini Challenge: book club, organic tea, the cow jumped over the moon, paragon of virtue, wench

Jilly sipped her organic tea as she listened to the children reciting nursery rhymes at the afternoon book club in the library where she worked.

“Hey diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon…” they chorused.

She loved her job at the library and her colleagues thought she was a paragon of virtue, which she was, most of the time. What they didn’t know was that she spent weekends as a serving wench for a company that specialised in organising medieval banquets come orgies!


Alice was in her late fifties when she met Claude at the book club. She was a spinster who had given up all hope of finding her ‘Prince Charming’. Her first impression of Claude was ‘he’s got bats in the belfry’ but she soon realised what a nice person he was, a veritable paragon of virtue.

Claude was a similar age and old fashioned, which Alice found endearing. Claude called her wench and insisted on paying for everything, refusing her offer of Dutch treats. Their friendship blossomed as they took long walks in the park, where they would sit watching the children feeding the ducks on the lake and playing jump rope. Claude introduced Alice to organic tea at a little coffee shop called ‘The Cow Jumped Over The Moon’. He took her to art festivals and the zoo, where he regaled her with his knowledge of the tigers and other big cats. Claude introduced her to his amateur dramatic group ‘Prefix’ where she became a valued member. When Alice was having trouble completing her income tax return Claude took over and filled it in for her

“What more could a girl want ?” thought Alice.

Six months later Alice was in love with Claude and was sure he felt the same way. He told her he’d booked a table at their favourite restaurant, The Flowering Plum Tree, as he had something he needed to tell her.

“This is it” thought Alice “he’s going to ask me to marry him!”

They had just enjoyed a bowl of chicken noodle soup when Claude presented her with a small gift box. Excitedly Alice opened it to find a pair of diamond earrings . Claude took Alice’s hand and instead of the proposal Alice was expecting he explained

“I love you Alice. If you were a man I’d marry you, I’m gay you see. I hope we can still be friends? ”

“Of course” said Alice, trying not to sound too disappointed. “Oh well, a girl can’t have everything I suppose” said Alice to herself.

I'm off on another jaunt today (will blog about it next week) so will get around to reading everyone on Sunday.

Friday 17 April 2009

Friday 55 Flash Fiction # 71 Ex Smoker

Ex Smoker

Fred was desperate to give up smoking.

Health was important, not the cost, he was rich.

The hypnotist promised startling results.

Ten sessions at £10 each.

Surprisingly it really worked, Fred had been an ex smoker for ten years when he died.
Fred's family couldn't understand why he'd left all his money to the hypnotist.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Wednesday 15 April 2009

Portrait Of Words # 8

Jeff (A Word in Edgewise POW) has started up this monthly challenge, derived from a previous challenge from R.E.H.'s "Picture Fiction Challenge". Do pop over to Jeff's to read the other entries, you won't be disappointed. You can get the portraits for this month's challenge here.

The object is to:

Write a story of any length or style. Long or short, comedy or tragedy, fact or fiction, etc,etc... it's up to you.

Use each of the picture representations in your story. (one from the wild card options)

Main Character:
Your story can be told through or about this person, i.e. first or third person. Either way, his involvement in the story should be a focal point. Feel free to have as many or as few additional characters as you wish.

This will create the setting for your story. It can take place at the location depicted, be a destination to it, or be a journey from it.

This is what drives or motivates the main character to action. It can also be viewed as the objective of the story.

This object should have a significant value to the main character, backdrop or purpose of the story.

Wild Cards:
Writers choice here. Choose *one* of the three options to use in your story anyway you see fit.

Photo Credits: Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike License
(From commons,)
Main Character- Laurl
Backdrop- TravelingMango
Purpose- Jamarr
Item- romorebianco
Wild Card #1- Daniel Y. Go
Wild Card #2- flowers & machinery
Wild Card #3- frightenrabbit

Here's my story:
Jacob Abby sat in the sweltering courtroom. Beads of sweat peppered his brow and dark stains of perspiration were seeping through his shirt under his arms and down his back.

Jacob waited patiently for the electric fan to waft some air his way as he listened intently to the evidence, trying not to give anything away, keeping an impassive expression. He made notes as the prosecutor presented the case. The evidence and photographs of the victim’s injuries were horrendous.

The victim had smashed up the bar belonging to the defendant during a bar-room brawl. However, the defendent lost all reason and instead of calling in the police he decided to punish the man himself.

He and a friend had picked the man up and had taken him to an out-of-the-way lock up where they tortured him by drilling through his hands and feet before shooting him. Had he not involved his friend he probably would have got away with it, but his friend had a big mouth and had blabbed, it wasn’t long before the police picked him up and matched the evidence to him. His so-called friend had done a deal with the police, he told them everything, he wouldn’t be prosecuted for murder.

During the trial Jacob noticed some jurors were shaking or nodding their heads and made notes of that too. He could probably guess which way they were going to vote. Some of the women jurors held handkerchiefs over their mouths when they were looking at the photographs of the victim, he had to admit they were gruesome. Jacob was annoyed when he noticed a juror pretending to take notes, when in fact he was doing a crossword concealed in his notepad. The least they could do is actually pay attention, he’d have to mention that later.

The defending lawyer tried to discredit the informer without success. He wasn’t as persuasive as the prosecutor and the evidence was overwhelming anyway. The trial only took a couple of days, which was a blessing in a way as the weather was forecasted to get hotter and he wasn’t sure how much more heat he could stand.

The jury retired to consider the evidence. How long would they take, guilty or not guilty?

“Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict on which you are all agreed?” asked the judge.

The foreman stood “We have your honour” he replied.

The clerk gave the name of the accused asking “How do you find the defendant, Guilty or Not Guilty?”

“Guilty” the foreman answered.

Jacob smiled. He had no doubt the man was guilty and he’d persuaded those jurors who weren’t sure to vote guilty too, to ensure the unanimous decision the judge required. He’d also reported the juror who had been doing the crossword, he deserved to get into trouble , being a juror was a big responsibility and should be taken seriously!

Monday 13 April 2009

Last week........

I finished work on the 3rd April for two weeks - I get school holidays.   Monday I had a dentist appointment and got back just in time to 'not' have to help MWM with the cleaning (wink).   Tuesday I went to visit my Dad and then went to see one of my nieces who has just failed her driving test and needed someone to sit with her while she practised her driving.   Her Dad (my brother) usually takes her out but he's in the Dominican Republic at the moment so it was down to me.     Her test centre is in Oldham, which I don't know at all so she set the SatNav to take us to the test centre and I just concentrated on the traffic.   Once we got to the test centre she just drove around the roads there following my instructions of 'take the next left' or 'turn right at the end of the road'.   Needless to say we got lost, neither of us having any clue where we were.  No probs, we set the SatNav to take us back to the test centre, then set it again to take us back to her house. She was pleased with the practise, I was pleased to get back in my own car, get home and have a stiff drink!    I have to do it again tomorrow!

The hightlight of our week was Wednesday.   I needed a few bits and pieces so we decided to go to Bury (Lancs) on the bus in the morning and have a mooch about.  MWM has a free bus pass now he's 60 so that's good, I had to buy a day saver for £4 but I intended getting my money's worth because I used it again in the afternoon . I managed to get everything I needed, which always puts me in a good mood..    We returned home for lunch and then caught the 2.45 pm bus to Manchester.  The buses aren't really reliable and to prove the point the express bus we inteded to catch didn't turn up so we got another one which took 20 minutes longer to reach our destination.  Anyway not to worry we weren't really in any rush.

We had an hour to kill, so we called in Cafe Rouge for a glass of vino then headed up to Chinatown for the meal we'd booked for 5 p.m.      We shared a bottle of wine with a delicious meal of Chicken & Sweetcorn Soup, Chicken with garlic and spring onions, Beef with Ginger and fried rice, followed by coffee and liqueurs.      Then we headed down to Oxford Road to the Palace Theatre for the highlight of our day - the hit show "We Will Rock You" where we had great seats just three rows from the front.

If you haven't heard of this show the basis is it's set in the future, the narrative tells of a society wherein 'real' music and all instruments are banned, and everyone is forced to resign themselves to the 'Computer Recorded Anodyne Pop'  (CRAP) distributed by huge corporations, peppered throughout with 'Queen' hits.   There's the Bohemians, the resistence if you like, looking for the holy grail ( a real musical instrument, a guitar in fact) to bring live music back to the masses.  Their life is blighted by The Killer Queen and Khashoggi and his Ga Ga men who round up the rebels and brainwash them before sending them to the Seven Seas of Rhye    The whole thing revolves around the hero 'Galileo Figaro' and his girlfriend 'Scaramouche' with more than a touch of pantomime - it is a great show.   We saw it in London a couple of years ago and promised ourselves if/when it came to Manchester we would go see it again.   We still haven't had enough so we will go again before it finishes in the summer.Emerging from the theatre at 10.30 p.m. and still buzzing we headed for a pub further up Oxford Road where we had another couple of drinks before calling a taxi to bring us home.

Thursday morning was food shopping and I spent an hour with my neighbour who is virtually housebound, this is a regular visit on Thursdays.

On Friday I did what I had promised myself and cleared out my wardrobes.   At this moment in time there are three, yes you heard me right THREE, binliners of clothes waiting to go to the charity shop.   I
Saturday we picked up my eldest son's children and took them to see 'Big Grandad' (my dad) and Granny (MWM's Mum) in the afternoon then had a night out at a local working men's club with our friends K&T.

Yesterday we went on the East Lancs Railway, had lunch out and called to the pub on the way home.

We've had a busy week.

Now, where's me credit card I've got loads of room in my wardrobe!

Saturday 11 April 2009

Saturday Wordzzle # 58

The idea is, every week Raven (Views From Raven's Nest) gives you between 8 and 10 words/phrases and you have to create a small but coherent paragraph using every one of them and the same with the mini challenge. You can do either, both or a megawordzzle using all the words, or even all three, it's up to you, you can post them on your blog or email them to Raven. If you join in go to Raven's and put your name on the Mr. Linky so other participants can come visit you.

Here's my efforts, complete with my doodles.

This Week's Ten Word Challenge is: acrobat; grocery store; ceiling fan; dandelion; bumble bee; alabaster; scissors; chartreuse; strenuously; cube

Chartreuse Alabaster was staring out of the window of her grocery store watching a bumble bee strenuously collecting pollen from a lone dandelion on the small patch of grass outside. Popping a cube of chocolate into her mouth she picked up a pair of scissors, went outside and cut down the dandelion, depriving the bee of it’s nectar. It was a warm day and once back inside the shop she turned on the ceiling fan, only to find it wasn’t working. Positioning the stepladders she climbed up to the fan, balancing like an acrobat, it was a shock when the ladder slipped and she crashed to the floor knocking herself unconscious. “Serves her right” thought the bee as it stung her on the bum!

Mini Challenge: iPod; poison ivy; computer; interpreter; optometrist

Spike was busy downloading his favourite tracks, including ‘Optometrist’ by ‘Poison Ivy’, from the computer onto his iPod. He would listen to them whilst waiting for the meeting with his boss and a new French client to start, at which he would be an interpreter.


Arty Alabaster owned a modest cube shaped house with a garden, of which he was very proud, in a quiet suburb. Woebetide any dandelion that dared to take root in Arty’s lawn. Picking up the scissors he began to snip away at the poison ivy which was creeping through his fence from next door’s garden. Arty didn’t get on with his neighbours, who consisted of mother, father and six children all of who were thick, noisy and cheeky, something their parents strenuously denied whenever Arty complained about them which he did, frequently.

Suddenly a huge bumble bee lurched towards him landing on his lip where it deposited it’s sting, making Arty stumble and fall headlong into the ivy. Leaping like an acrobat Arty threw down his scissors and dashed into the kitchen trying to remember what one puts on bee stings to neutralise them. Winegar for Wasps, Bicarb for Bees he remembered the rhyme, as he rifled through the cupboards looking for some bicarb.

“Oh Bother, I wonder if Chartreuse will do, I think I read somewhere that it has medicinal properties” he muttered to himself as he uncorked the bottle and splashed it onto his lip, then proceeded to apply it liberally to the ivy stings.

Beginning to sweat he turned on the ceiling fan, his lip was now so swollen he would need an interpreter to make himself understood. He remembered an article he’d come across whilst surfing the net on his computer about a bee sting being lethal. The victim had been asleep when a bee had crawled into his open mouth and stung his tongue and it had swelled so bad the man had choked!

Arty was in panic mode now, he rushed outside into the garden and noticed the eldest girl from next door coming down the street listening to her iPod . He knew she worked at the grocery store, she had probably just left there, could he persuade her to go back and get him some bicarb he wondered. Waving his arms to attract her attention he lumbered towards the gate just as she looked up.   Dodging out of his way she ran up her own garden path shouting to her mother that “the odd optometrist next door just tried to attack me Mum!”

Her mother shot out of the door with a frying pan in her hand only to find Arty collapsed in the street. Assessing the situation she shouted “Phone an ambulance quickly” to her daughter whilst she knelt beside him trying to comfort him saying “Help’s on the way Arty.”

By the time the ambulance arrived Arty was in a coma, he was taken to the hospital and was admitted to the ICU, where he spent the next six weeks,  the doctor said he’d have died but the for the quick thinking neighbour. His neighbours phoned every day to ask how he was and they even looked after his garden for him. On the day he was discharged from hospital his neighbours called to ask how he was feeling. Arty stood on his doorstep and said

“If you’d taken care of your garden I wouldn’t have been out there trying to get rid of the poison ivy and the bloody bee wouldn’t have stung me, it’s all your fault” and he promptly slammed the door.

You thought he was going to thank them for saving his life didn’t you? Well I had to have a twist at the end didn’t I? LOL

Friday 10 April 2009

Friday 55 Flash Fiction # 70 First Date Nerves

First Date Nerves
Ursula was getting ready for a date, the first in years.

She didn't know the rules now.

Pondering - should she go Dutch?

What was expected on a first date? - holding hands, a kiss, back for a coffee, sex???

Of course the most important thing she had to think about was.......

"Aarrghh - what shall I wear?"

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Wednesday 8 April 2009


Someone emails this to me and it's so true I just had to share it...


10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for same style shoes in different colours.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.


A lady sees her doctor, says,"doctor l have this problem, every time l go to the loo l seem to pass coins, 5p,10p and 20ps",----so the doctor examines her, ----she says, ls it serious"?,----the doctor says," no its not serious, it appears that you're going through the change"

If a man speaks in the middle of a forest and there is no woman around to hear him-is he still wrong????

Monday 6 April 2009

Guess what?.......

I got more awards!

Dumdad from The Other Side Of Paris (literally) bestowed two, yes TWO awards on me.  Now you know me, I've always got room on my mantlepiece, well trophy room (just bragging) for more awards.

The first one is the Premio Dardos Award.

Premio Dardos apparently means “prize darts” in Spanish. It is given for recognition of cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values transmitted in the form of creative and original writing.

The second jolly award is this one.

The Coffee Award.       The premise of this award is blogs that one couldn't miss each morning - how lovely is that?

I am meant to pass on the first award to 15 other bloggers and the second to five other bloggers.
Tough to whittle down to 20 favourite blogs because I love you all,  so I'm going to chicken out and the first 15 commenters please take the Premio Dardas Award and the next five commenters please take the Coffee Award.

Also Thom (Scuttle Butt Mo TV) gave me this

I'm absolutely thrilled to have received this award for the second time thankyou Thom.

The rules on this one:

Proximidade, created by Dawn at Twisted Sister and passed on to me by Thom, is described as follows. This blog invests and believes in proximity – nearness in space, time and relationships. Nominated bloggers are exceedingly charming, they aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes for self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. This blog award should be sent to another eight bloggers and they, in turn, should forward it to eight of their favourites. You should include the text for Proximidade in your blog announcement. And please not that all awards and tags are option.

I need to pass this on to eight blogger so will the 21st to the 28th commenter please take it  - I'm presuming I'm going to get at least 28 peoplel who will be kind enough to comment on this post!

Saturday 4 April 2009

Saturday Wordzzle # 57

The idea is, every week Raven (Views From Raven's Nest) gives you between 8 and 10 words/phrases and you have to create a small but coherent paragraph using every one of them and the same with the mini challenge. You can do either, both or a megawordzzle using all the words, or even all three, it's up to you, you can post them on your blog or email them to Raven. If you join in go to Raven's and put your name on the Mr. Linky so other participants can come visit you.

Here's my efforts, complete with my doodles.

This Week's Ten Nine Word Challenge is: apoplexy, hummingbird, shallow end of the pool, brigadier general, mustard, greed, parallelogram, slumber party, casual

Since I copied the words 'doctor' has appeared in the list on Raven's blog, which obviously I haven't used.
Brigadier General Mustard had suffered apoplexy and was having hydrotherapy in the shallow end of the pool. His private nurse, Patsy Bird, was good to him; she was casual in her approach but caring. She organised other activities like drawing geometric shapes; parallelograms, triangles etc to help him get his hand working properly, she nagged him about his greed for whisky but let him have his little slumber party every afternoon. Yes, little “Hummingbird”, as he called her, was a godsend.

Mini Challenge: Mount Olympus, arsonist, portraits, birch trees, "that car needs a new muffler"
Stan pulled up his hood and made his way through the birch trees to the ‘Mount Olympus’ restaurant. He kept to the shadows; he didn’t want anyone painting a portrait of him identifying him as the arsonist. He was just about to throw the petrol bomb through the window of the restaurant when a passing car made him jump and he dropped the bomb, splashing petrol on his clothes. His last thought, before he went up in flames, was “that car needs a new muffler!”


Chantelle eyed up the Brigadier General who, apparently, owned the house . She was thinking about how she’d come to get an invitation. ‘Hummingbird’, her friend, said she’d been invited to an all night party and would she like to go with her? It was at a really posh house and it would be great fun, bring a swimsuit too as there’s a pool, she told Chantelle.

It was a posh house alright; it had taken thirty minutes to get to the house along the drive flanked by birch trees. The General had sent his Rolls to transport Chantelle and Hummingbird. Chantelle wasn’t impressed, as the car was old and the exhaust was making a bit of a racket, “that car needs a new muffler” thought Chantelle.

The butler greeted them at the front door and showed them to their rooms. Chantelle gawped at a huge painting of Mount Olympus at the top of the staircase and the many portraits and tapestries lining the walls. “Impressive” she said aloud.

The two girls changed into swimwear and made their way to the indoor pool. So, here she was casually standing at the shallow end of the pool, which was shaped like a parallelogram, in her bikini, taking in the scene. There were other girls there and about twenty men, all in uniform, one of them was staring at her, she dubbed him Colonel Mustard, he must have been eighty if he was a day and looked as though he was suffering from apoplexy.

“What’s going on?” she asked her friend “I was expecting a rave not a slumber party.”

“Ssshhh, they’ll hear you” urged Hummingbird. “They just want some company that’s all, pretty company, and they’re loaded and willing to pay!”

“You have got to be joking, there’s no way….”

“Don’t be daft, it’s nothing sordid, they just want us girls to stand around, look nice and talk to them, honestly and it’s easy money” said Hummingbird.

“Hang on, you mean you’ve been paid? Where’s my share?” asked Chantelle.

“I’ll see you right later” said Hummingbird “Greed doesn’t become you Chantelle!”

The Colonel was heading straight towards Chantelle, desperate to avoid him she tried to engage another, younger looking, man in conversation but he quickly disappeared as the Colonel commandeered her attention.

Excusing herself Chantelle headed upstairs towards the ladies room to look for Hummingbird who had disappeared thirty minutes earlier. Passing one of the bedrooms Chantelle heard muffled voices then suddenly the door opened and Hummingbird shot past her. Chantelle jumped back only to bang into a table, on which there was a lighted candle which toppled to the floor. Before she knew it a wall hanging was ablaze and the Brigadier General was accusing her of being an arsonist. There wasn’t time to explain, she ran down the stairs screaming “Fire, fire!” at the top of her lungs. Panic ensued, bedroom doors were flying open, uniformed men and half naked girls were fleeing from the flames.

Chantelle sat shamefaced in the police cell with Hummingbird.

“Would you care to explain to me why you are being charged with running a call girl ring and I am about to get a police record Hummingbird?” asked Chantelle.

Friday 3 April 2009

Friday 55 Flash Fiction # 69 Spring Clearout..

Spring Clearout

Time for a clearout

Wardrobes bulging, overflowing, untidy.

Sorting through the racks of clothes and shoes.

I need the room,

Everything is squashed and creased.

Too big, too small, they all have to go.

I don’t remember buying that,

It’s still got the tags on it.

Why did I ever think I would wear it?

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Wednesday 1 April 2009

Family feud - The Blog Version........

Linda (Are We There Yet?) posted this meme recently and invited anyone who wanted to have a go to go ahead and take it.   Linda got it from Autmumn's Meadow.   

If you want to play along, copy and paste the questions to a new post, erase my answers, and fill in your answers. Just remember, you can't use any of the answers I've already given or you'll hear a loud annoying buzzer go off in your head! If you want to pass the game along, tag 5 of your friends and don't forget to send it back to me. Remember, you can't use the same answer as the person who sent it to you.

1. Name something you use in the shower. Exfoliator

2. Name a product for men. Palmolive Shaving Soap

3. Name something people hate to find on their windshields. Parking tickets

4. Name something a man might buy before a date. Flowers

5. What is another word for blemish. Spot

6. Something you cook in the microwave. McCain Microwave Chips

7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving. Wardrobe

8 Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman. We can teach them a lot!

9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner. Humps their leg? LOL

10.. Name a kind of test you cannot study for. Blood test

11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for. Building fires?  I don't know I've never been a boy scout!

12 Name a phrase with the word home in it. Home Sweet Home

13. Name a sport where players lose teeth. Boxing

14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student's day. Give them a detention

15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying.  Red nose

16. Name a bird you wouldn't want to eat. A sparrow, not enough meat on it!

17. Name something someone would wear with a hole in it. Sock

18.  Name something that gets smaller the more you use it. Soap

I'm not going to tag anyone but do let me know if you decide to play along so I can come by and check out your answers.