Monday 22 December 2008


These hangover descriptions may prove invaluable to you over the festive period to distinguish just how hungover you are and whether you really should be back in work!     All courtesy of a friend who emailed them to me thinking I might need to know.   CHEEK!

1 star hangover

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.

You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover

Slight headache, stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender).

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now.

Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.

You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.

6 star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.Work is not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

Which one(s) do you recognise?


Pam said...

i don't drink much anymore, because i'm a lightweight now lol more body fat=easier to get drunk

but back in my twenties i would be #1 minus being parched. have 'small' stomachache. that's it.

hehe @ homer's photo 'beeerrrrrr' lol

Flowerpot said...

Mrs Smug here - I'm on antibiotics so I am having to be very careful at the moment! Sigh...

Jo Beaufoix said...

Hee hee, I think i only get as far as 1,2 or 3 these days. Snort.

RiverPoet said...

Oy, I can't drink anymore, so I don't have to deal with hangovers.

I have a little something for you at my place. Drop by!

Peace - D

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

oh gosh i remember those days! ha ha ha. now i have maybe one or two martinis a YEAR!

merry christmas!

smiles, bee

buffalodick said...

I was told you aren't really drunk until you fall on the floor, and have to hang on to it...

CG said...

I don't drink much these days after my last No. 6 - I'm too old to cope anymore!!

Catch said...

I recognize a little something in each of these hangovers!!! lol..I am definitely parched the next day! and dizzy! lol..I dont drink much anymore.....but once in a while, with good fun friends...I like to give it a go! lol

Akelamalu said...

#1 isn't too bad Ciara! ;)

You mean you take notice of the 'no drink on antibiotics' rule Flowerpot? ;)

LOL you don't get enough practice Jo :)

I'll be right there Riverpoet. You're sensible not drinking!

1 or 2 martinis a year Bee? I presume one of them is at Christmas and the other at New Year?

OMG I think I've been there Buff! :0

And your last #6 was when CG? Do tell ((wink))

Me too Catch but it takes so much longer to recover now doesn't it? :(

Linda said...

Not being much of a drinker, I can only laugh at these and be thankful that none of them apply to me! I know a lot of other people though who run the gamut from #1 right through to #6!

Anndi said...

I have felt like my teeth had sweaters... and they were not cashmire.

Dr.John said...

I have seen them all in various relatives and that's probably why I don't drink anything with alcohol in it.

Travis Cody said...

I quit drinking to excess a long time ago.

Cloudia said...

Shhhhh! Why is everyone SHOUTING!?????
I need a drink . . . . Aloha-

Finding Pam said...

I feel like Dr. John does. Too many alcholics in my family,so I don't really need to drink. Besides, I can't afford to loose any more brain cells!

Akelamalu said...

You're very sensible Linda, good on you! :)

Teeth with sweaters is the worst feeling Anndi :(

Good for you Dr John!

Just the odd glass or two eh Trav?

LOL Oh you make me laugh Clouida! :)

Oh yes, it does kill off brain cells at an alarming rate Pam!

Anonymous said...

Do you know, I have never had a hangover. Not once. Not even in my college heavy drinking days.

Anonymous said...

I do believe you described every single stage of my teenage years from beginning to end.

Akelamalu said...

You must have the constitution of an OX Citizen! LOL

Mine too PD Warrior! :0

storyteller said...

Intriguing continuum in light of MY post at Small Reflections ;--)
I just don't drink any more ... it's not worth putting my body through the stress and I know how to fun without it. Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Hugs and blessings,

Marshall Family said...

I havent lived! I barely scrape a 3 star hangover! :o)