Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Something to make you smile.......

1 .  Two blondes walk into a'd  think at least one of them would have seen  it.
2.  Phone answering machine message - '...If you want  to buy marijuana, press the hash  key...'
3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only  Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I  can clearly see you're  nuts.' 

4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other  day but I couldn't find any. 

5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him  50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the  top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too  high.' 

6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong  currant pulled him in. 

7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious  accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't  feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you  can't, I've cut your arms  off'.

8.  I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a  muscle. 

9. Two  Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit  a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for  all that you can't have your kayak and heat  it. 

10. Our  ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police  say that he topped himself. 

11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing  out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some  cream to put on it.'

12.  'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass  of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.  '
'Is it common?'
'It's not  unusual.'

13. A  man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look  at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his  eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?  Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's  really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the  doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up  my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you  start.'

15. Two  elephants walk off a cliff...boom,  boom! 

16.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A  fsh. 

17..  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says  to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure,  you look great, the world's your oyster, go for  it..'

18.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was  drinking battery acid, and the other was eating  fireworks. They charged one and let the other one  off. 

19. 'You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the  windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was  nice.' 

20.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt  my arm in several places'
The doctor said,  'Well don't go there  anymore'

Just wanted to leave you with something to make you smile as I won't be posting again until next week, we're away for a few days come Friday.  Have a great week(end). 


Melanie said...

Funny stuff! I think I like #2 the best :)

Jenny Woolf said...

Thanks for these - I like no.1 and No 4

MorningAJ said...


Valerie said...

Laughed out loud right from No.1. There was only one I'd heard before. Thanks for the smiles, enjoy your break.

Akelamalu said...

I couldn't decide which I liked best Melanie LOL

My pleasure Jenny, glad you liked them.

I know, but I bet they made you smile AJ LOL

Happy to make you smile Valerie, thanks honey. x

Unknown said...

First blog read of the day and boy did you make me smile. Thanks for that x

Japolina said...

These are funny. I'm going to share them with my 12 year old budding comedian!

Daryl said...


Ron said...

OMG...these are all HILARIOUS!

But I think the one that did it for me the most was...

"12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual"

Bwhahahahahahahahah! Thanks for the great morning laughs, m'dear!

And have a great trip!


Akelamalu said...

Nothing like a good laugh to start the day Sharon :)

Yes I think they're suitable for a 12 year old Japolina :)

Indeed Daryl

It's an oldie but a goldie Ron LOL

bobbybegood1 said...

Hilarious!!! I love jokes. Sometimes I post jokes too. You have a great sense of humour. Wonderful post. Cheers!!

Beach Bum said...


Funny stuff, and just in time because I needed a laugh.

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

some of them made me laugh out loud!

have a great time honey...

smiles, bee

Maude Lynn said...

The first one took me totally by surprise!

Akelamalu said...

I can't take credit for writing those bobbybegood1, I got them in an email and just shared them. Glad you enjoyed them.

Happy to oblige Beach :)

Glad you had a laugh Bee, thanks. x

Quite a few of them too my by surprise Mama Zen LOL

Secret Agent Woman said...

I really liked silly #13.

Maggie May said...

Seriously funny!
Was feeling a bit glum today, but chuckled when I read them.
Happy Easter.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

tony said...

'Hope Your Having A Great Easter.Enjoy!

Flowerpot said...

They certainly did make me smile - thanks Ak! Hope you had a good Easter.

Anonymous said...

Nice laughts I had :) To add to it..