Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Personal Ads......


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend hadjust bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants.

I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).  In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,


Beach Bum said...

Since I live in South Carolina and Savannah is not too far away I actually heard about this on the local news. Everything except the calls to the DA and FBI is the same.

It's a riot!

Grandpa said...

That's very funny, Akelamalu.

Alex must be given credit for the very creative use of the credit card and mobile phone.

Serve the mugger right too!

Valerie said...

Brilliant. Thanks for the morning laugh. Just hope I remember what to do if ever I get mugged.

Flowerpot said...

Very good advice!!!

MorningAJ said...

I've been mugged. And I really wish that I'd been carrying something very large and heavy that I could have defended myself with. Good for Alex.

Akelamalu said...

So it's true Beach Bum? That makes it even better!

Definitely serves the mugger right Grandpa!

Shame we can't carry guns over here isn't it Valerie?

Indeed Flowerpot ;)

My DIL was mugged and wishes she'd had something to fight back with too AJ :(

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

i loved this! hope it's true too!

smiles, bee

(your envelop is on the way)

Akelamalu said...

Apparently it is true Bee according to Beach Bum. :)

nitebyrd said...

I just LOVE that the guy called his mother! LOL

Ron said...

OMG, I laughed so hard through this entire post!!!!!!

"I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car."

Bwhahahahahahahahaha! Absolutely brilliant!

Thanks for the great laughs, m'dear!


Finding Pam said...

I hope he changes his mind about mugging folks. Especially after everyone gets finished with taking a part of him.

Mike Golch said...

yep that's aggod one indeed.

CrystalChick said...

I'll bet Momma wasn't too pleased after getting that call. He better hope the cops or the FBI get him before she does!

Unknown said...

That is very very very funny. It would a wonderful thing to have been the guy who was robbed and do the same thing.

Maude Lynn said...

How funny!

cheshire wife said...

Revenge is sweet!

Casdok said...

Very good!

Akelamalu said...

Yeah, I bet his mother gave him what for Nitebyrd. LOL

That's exactly what I did Ron, laughed the whole way through it. LOL

Well if that doesn't teach him a lesson nothing will Pam! ;)

I thought so too Mike :)

I imagine he's be more scared of his Momma than the FBI Crystalchick!

One has to admire him Dave :)

Wasn't it Mama Zen :)

Oh yes it is Cheshire Wife :)

Glad you enjoyed it Casdok :)

Anonymous said...

I absolutely adore this and just wish it were true. I do like to see justice served.

snowelf said...

Oh I totally would have written this. Never would have done any of that stuff, but i would have written this had I did!
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they certainly made a funny! :P


secret agent woman said...

I can't quarrel with the guy defending himself, but he seems to have as ugly an attitude as the guy who tried to mug him. I don't much care for vengeance.