Monday, 28 September 2009

Some advice and truisms......

I received this list of advice and thought I'd share it with you.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences. Love each other.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on...

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

26. You should not confuse your career with your life.

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

28.. Never lick a steak knife...

29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

33. Your friends love you anyway.

34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

35.. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?


quilly said...

#3 -- I wish more people understood that!

#6 -- yes!

#14 -- yes!

#15 -- I'm resembling that remark ...

#19 -- too true!

#25 -- also true!

#28 -- ouch!

#29 -- I whole-heartedly concur!

#33 -- Amoeba & I were talking about this today. We love each other despite our faults. There is more security in that then living an illusion of perfection. Sooner or later illusions fail, and love might very well go with it.

#35 -- ten!

Susan at Stony River said...

Oh no!! Too much truth for a Monday morning! LOL Fantastic list.

Nessa said...

These are so funny but very true. I sent the list on.

Nessa said...

Oh. I was out in the moonlight last night blowing bubbles. How old does that make me?

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

all true, so true! ha ha ha

smiles, bee

Ron said...

LOVE soooo many of these, Akelamalu.

But, #34, 26, 28, and #9 are flawless!

Thanks for sharing, m'dear!


buffalodick said...

Good stuff- each and every one of them! The sad part is by the time you finally believe it, you are our age!

Cheffie-Mom said...

These are soooo true!! Thanks for sharing!! Hugs!!

Anndi said...

Cookies must be eaten in pairs... right'o!

Akelamalu said...

You know Quilly, I can't remember being 10. I'd be four - you can get away with most things at four. ;)

I know what you mean Susan

Hope your recipients enjoy the list Nessa. Blowing bubbles in the moonlight sounds like fun - I'd join you. :)

Yep they're all true Bee

I'm glad you enjoyed them Ron :)

You summed it up Buff!

You're welcome Cheffie Mom, I'm pleased you enjoyed them.

Well one cookie is no use to anyone is it Anndi? (wink)

Dianne said...

these are great!!
some are funny and some are so wise and true
pefect balance

love #3

Anonymous said...

Great list my friend. I enjoyed the read. So many are way to funny and so true :)

Dr.John said...

Good advice.
I will now quit licking steak knives.

Thumbelina said...

Love this. Especially...
#3, #6, #9 (why is that?), #14 (what happened to #13?), #20, #21, #24 (don't I know it!) #25 (I hope I never fall into this category) #29 (so so true) and my all time favourite?
#34. Brilliant.

Thanks for the smiles (and the logic.)

G-Man said...

#17 Baby!!!
Only I never throw anything away!
And it's NOT junk, it's Treasure!

Julia Phillips Smith said...

I laughed at so many of them, but this one stood out:

'There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

Daryl said...

I am so LOL..not so much at this list since I have seen it many times before but that such lists continue to circulate for so many years ...

Indi said...

ROFLMAO ! FABULOUS... I love em all

Akelamalu said...

Glad you enjoyed them Dianne :)

Yes many of them are true Thom - scary isn't it! :0

Good idea Dr. John ;)

I'mj pleased it made you smile Thumbelina :)

I know you never throw anything away G-man LOL

That one stood out for me too Julia! :0

I haven't seen this one before Daryl but I can believe it has been around for a while - good advice usually has. (wink)

I'm pleased you enjoyed them Indigo :)

Finding Pam said...

There is a lot of wisdom in this post. I cracked up on all of them. Too funny, my friend.

nitebyrd said...

These are words to live by and should be carved in stone! Thanks for sharing!

Cloudia said...

#34 says it all :)

Aloha, Friend!

Comfort Spiral

cheshire wife said...

They are all just so true!

Akelamalu said...

They all made me laugh too Pam :)

I agree Nitebyrd :)

Doesn't it just Cloudia!

Indeed they are Cheshire Wife :)

secret agent woman said...

Great set, and all true!

Jody said...

That was AWESOME!


Anonymous said...