Wednesday, 20 June 2007

H.G.V. Written Test Examination........

Going out shopping, so, still on the subject of driving, here's a quick laugh from my file......

Q. When should you use headlights?
A. To warn males of speed trap.

Q. When do you overtake on the left?
A. When the twerp in front won't move over.

Q. What documents do you take on the road?
A. Dairly Mirror, Sun, Playboy.

Q. When must you stop?
A. To have a pee, nooky or a pint in the pub.

Q. Where should you not park?
A. Outside the house of your mistress.

Q. What do you expect to see on a rural road.
A. Rural tarmac.

Q.How many types of pedestrian crossings are there?
A. Two, those who do and those who don't.

Q. What is the correct procedure for overtaking on the motorway?
A. Foot hard down, eyes shut and smile.

Q. When should you use the fast lane on the motorway?
A. When you are going home on a promise.

Q. What do you do in the event of a breakdown on a motorway?
A. Leave the bloody thing and hitch a lift home.

Q. What does a yellow box junction mean?
A. They have run out of white paint.

Q. What do broken white lines mean in the road?
A. Careless navvies.

Q. What does the highway code say about tyres?
A. Use only round ones.

Q. When can you cross double white lines in the road?
A. After 9 lagers, 2 vodkas and a whiskey.

Q. What must you check before leaving a building site?

A. That you have enough timber under the sheet for a new kitchen table.


Mike M said...

I'm back!!!!!!!

BTW, FUNNY POST!!!!!!!!!! I love it!!

Akelamalu said...

Hi Mikie great to see you!

buffalodickdy said...

Bumper stickers popular in USA- " If You Don't Like My Driving, Stay Off The Sidewalk!". And "How's My Driving?" "If You Have A Complaint, Call 1-800-EAT SH*T".

Akelamalu said...

He he, I like those!

Mark said...

Hi Akelamalu,
Nothing to do with the post although it is very funny, if you are interested in bug boxes have a look at Wiggly Wigglers they do all thoes kind of things as well.

Cheers Mark

P.S. how's your worms today???

Queenie said...

Thats why I passed first time....

Akelamalu said...

Thanks Mark. I've left a message on yours re the worms!

Akelamalu said...

queenie you have a HGV licence??????

la bellina mammina said...

Just what I needed - a good laugh!! :-)

The very nice man said...

These are proper driving test questions, right??
Coz that is exactly how I drive!

Akelamalu said...

You got it honey!

Akelamalu said...

Of course Mr. Nice Man! ((wink))

Helen said...

Good day Akela,
Love the funny!!!

Akelamalu said...

Hi Helen glad you enjoyed it. x

Flowerpot said...

that's cheered my day in amongst this incessant rain! So's the music - thanks!

Akelamalu said...

Glad to have brought a bit of sunshine your way flowerpot. :)

MyUtopia said...

LOL too funny

Akelamalu said...

Glad you enjoyed it. :0

Skittles said...

Those were great! Nice to see you again :)

Jenny! said...

Very funny!

Gledwood said...

It's funny; for some reason I thought you were in aloha-land itself at first ... or at least in America ... then I see the letters HGV and I think... hang on that sounds like a v British abbreviation ... I can be so slow sometimes, honestly ...

we all know driving tests have practically no relation to any practical driving you do when NOT observed and marked on every flicker of movement ...

anyway, all the best with it!!


Gledwood said...

... hang on what happened with the hgv test? ... DID you pass? or are you still going for it?

i don't geddit

Linda said...

Those are so funny! I especially like the last one!!

Paul Champagne said...

Since when do you have to stop to have nookie?

Pat said...

Oh, this makes me giggle today. Having been a bus driving instructor for many years, I used to hear many sad answers to questions! LOL

I am really enjoying your blog!

Elween said...

another interesting post.

should be printed out and paste in the car to keep us awake when we drive!:)

RUTH said...

Another great post! Is the file you're getting these from called the "Laughter File"? I'm enjoying these daily giggles.

Akelamalu said...

Hi skittles nice to see you too1

Akelamalu said...

Glad you had a laugh jenny. :)

Akelamalu said...

Gledwood I'm right here in the good old UK. I'm not taking my HGV honey, it's just a skit. :)

Akelamalu said...

That one is my favourite too Linda.

Akelamalu said...

Paul, you mean you dont?

Akelamalu said...

Pat - you'll have heard them all before then!
Glad you're enjoying visiting me. :)

Akelamalu said...

I hope you don't fall asleep whilst driving? ;)

Akelamalu said...

Hi Ruth, yep it's the laughter file! :)

Melanie said...

I always see comments that you leave over at la bellina mammina's blog, so I figured I'd come on over and check out your blog! Very nice blog you have!
Thanks for the laugh with this post!!

Akelamalu said...

melanie thanks for dropping by, glad you had a laugh. :)

Anonymous said...

Hello everyone! Who knows where to upload the film Avatar?
I even bought the film Avatar for a SMS to , the link was, but download fails, the system will boot quite strange cocoa something.
Men, advise where to normal as quickly download film avatar?

Anonymous said...

I sell a boat-program which will help you to outwit auction and to win, initially the boat was created for the Scandinavian auction but now the program can work with similar auctions: gagen ru, vezetmne ru and with ten.
The program-boat stakes for you, i.e. for this purpose it is not necessary to sit constantly at the monitor. The boat can set time when it is necessary to stake, thus you as much as possible will lower expenses for rates, and as much as possible increase the chances of a victory.

The price of the program a boat for the Scandinavian auctions 20$

For the first 10 clients the price 15$

To all clients free updating and support.

Behind purchases I ask in icq: 588889590 Max.

Anonymous said...

[b]Set software LoveBots v 5.2[/b]

All for a mass mailing dating

The script is written in php5


[i]registration, account activation
manual input captures, or the solution through antikapchu
filling data accounts:
- Gulf desired photo
- Инфы about yourself
- Diary
- Sexual preference[/i]

gulyalka on questionnaires spammer on lichku
- Randomization Posts: replacement of Russian letters in Latin analogues

optimized to work in a continuous loop
check-activation-filling-spam check ..

Updates and support free of charge.

Price per set 100 wmz

For the first 10 buyers price 70 wmz (your feedback on the software).

For shopping I ask in icq: 588889590 Max.

Scrin program:




Flooding in the subject no! Write to feedback after the purchase.

somebody said...