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Sunday, 24 June 2007

A Brief History of the World, Part Three....

By Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School, London. Printed in Spring 1987, Verbatim, The Language Quarterly, Vol XIII, No 4J. He says "One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. He has pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level."



During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America whilst cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.



One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks were crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.



Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "A Horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.



George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.



Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while travelling from Washinton to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.



But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wikes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.



Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Newton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.



Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.



France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hlls and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.



The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.



The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.



The first World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.



Read A Brief History of the World Part One here and Part Two here.

31 comments:

RUTH said...

This so funny....I knew John Smith was famous but didn't realise he had fathered so many babies..lol The right to have bare arms I'm not to bothered about...I like to keep my "bat wings" covered.
As it's peeing down outside AGAIN I was glad of this cheer up and smile post! The sun shines through your blog.
Rx

Akelamalu said...

Hi Ruth, you learn something new every day eh?
Not raining here yet, no doubt it will be though! Glad you had a smile! x

leanne said...

hello, thanks for the comment. we're hoping nothing will come of the school closure, so fingers crosed, will keep you posted x

Akelamalu said...

Hi Leanne thank for dropping by. I'll keep checking your blog to find out what happens about the school.

buffalodickdy said...

These are great! All I can think of is the term "Freudian slip"...

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

honey i was laughing so hard i woke sarge up! this is so cute... thanks for starting my day with a belly laugh!

smiles, bee

Josie Two Shoes said...

This is hysterical, Ake... gonna have to go back and read the first two installments. What are they teachin' in school these days... or are they?? :-)

Helen said...

Hi Akela,
G-ma Sue doesn't have a blog...will try and rectify this as soon as
H XXXXX

Akelamalu said...

buffalodickdy - don't you just love 'em!

Akelamalu said...

Bee You'll be getting me in trouble with sarge if you keep waking him up! :)

Akelamalu said...

josie potted history, obviously! ;)

Akelamalu said...

Helen Grandma Sue NEEDS a blog! ;)

Linda said...

Duh ... I r a stoodent! Hard to believe this all came from actual writings, isn't it??

Akelamalu said...

It certainly is Linda!

Sally Lomax said...

That's funny!

CS said...

Good stuff. I bet this sort of thing makes teachers' brains ache.

Mike M said...

Thank you teacher. Can I go outside to play now?? :O)

Have a great week!

Catch said...

this is too funny!!! I was cracking up as I read it.

Thank you very much for my award. I am very touched! I will post mine this week, its hard to pick just 5 isnt it? I have to think on this one.....Thanks Akelamalu, you are very kind! But your right....I am a rockin girl!!! LoL

Pearls of Wisdom said...

Great post.

Hugs my friend,

Angel ():)

la bellina mammina said...

oh my.....where did you get these things sweetie???! ;-)

Elween said...

the whole history is so...drama! ehm...this is the first time i read about recent history of...the Great Britain? pardon me if i misinterpretated :)

Miss Understood said...

This stuff is great! Some of it's too good to be true!

I really must remember to turn the volume on my computer off before I go to bed. I always wake up at 4 in the morning, come here, and wake the whole house up!

Akelamalu said...

Glad you enjoyed it Sally.

Akelamalu said...

cs it must make them wonder why they bother!

Akelamalu said...

When you've done your homework Mike! ;)

Akelamalu said...

You're very welcome Catch, you are a rockin' girl! :)

Akelamalu said...

Angel hope it made you smile. x

Akelamalu said...

Oh here and there Bella. ;)

Akelamalu said...

Elween you do know they are a joke don't you honey?

Akelamalu said...

Ooops, miss u, I bet the music goes down well at 4 in the morning - NOT! ;)

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