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Saturday, 16 June 2007

A Brief History of the World. Part Two...

By Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School, London. Printed in Spring 1987, Verbatim, The Language Quarterly, Vol XIII, No 4J. He says "One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. He has pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level."

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victimes of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenbgerg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The Government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of the Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation be relieving himself in a long solioquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.


Read A Brief History of the World Part One here.

32 comments:

Nea said...

Donkey Hote, I think I saw that one........haha

Elween said...

i didn't know Shakespear was spelt like that. i thought it's "Shakespeare".

Akelamalu said...

nea
I thought it was spelt like that? (( wink))

Akelamalu said...

elween
Shakespeare does have an 'e' on the end but the student who wrote it obviously didn't know!

Helen said...

I finally managed to work out how to do this and I have realised I have FAR too many passwords!!!!
Thanks for putting me on your blog. I haven't figured out how to do what you have acheived but when I do I'll let you know!!!
H XXXXXXXXX

Akelamalu said...

helen
Welcome to blogging! You'll soon get the hang of it honey. Let me know if you need any help (she says confidently! :0 )

Queenie said...

How did you know about my fathers knees? And has you know all the nice girls love a sailor!!!!

Akelamalu said...

queenie
Is it true you are a virgin? ;)

Annelisa said...

I told Julia you were sending us Reiki healing light, and she gave a little smile (which is good, as she just came out of hospital again and is very weak). Thank you for your thoughts...it does make a difference :-)

I wasn't going to read your post today, just come and say that, but got caught by the line


Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.


I had to read the rest - very funny :-) I needed that!

RUTH said...

Wonderful stuff.....can you hear that bump...that's me laughing my head off!

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

donkey hote? oh my, this is so funny!

smiles, bee

Queenie said...

What do you think, be careful I have a reputation to withhold.
And I would hate to see your head roll!!!

Akelamalu said...

annelisa
Reiki on the way to Julia, and you, for as long as it's needed. I'm glad to hear Julia is out of hospital. It's good to hear you managed a laugh today honey, it's good medicine. xx

Akelamalu said...

ruth
Ooops! :)

Akelamalu said...

bee
You've not woken Sarge up again have you? ;)

Akelamalu said...

queenie
Virgin on the ridiculous maybe! Only kidding your majesty.

la bellina mammina said...

funny swipe at queenie - oh my, my head is reeling from this history education!! :-)

Akelamalu said...

Bella
Queenie knows I love her. :)

Hope you've retained all these facts, I could be setting questions in the future! ((wink))

Linda said...

Poor Martin Luther - nailed to the door of the church at Wittenburg like that! Also loved the reference to "Midevil" times!

Great post, thanks for the chuckles!

Akelamalu said...

linda
You're welcome. :)

Bankerchick said...

We still have trouble with those Spanish Armadillo's sailing across the ocean and then entering the country illegally in Texas

Catch said...

will there be a test Akelamalu? lol

Akelamalu said...

bankerchick
They arrive here in the back of lorries now.

Akelamalu said...

catch
If you like?
Hands up all those who would like a test! :)

julia said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm wheezing with tears spurting onto my keyboard. Where to start - Donkey Hote is one of my favorite ballets! And Shakespeare "is famous only because of his plays." Oh, I can't mention all of them because I won't be able to breathe. Good thing that teacher collected all these!

Akelamalu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Akelamalu said...

Julia
There's more, so get an inhaler ready!

buffalodickdy said...

This post would be even funnier if they did it on purpose! The fact that our schools have more than a few kids like this is a little scary...

Paul Champagne said...

At least the government of England is only a limited mockery ...

Akelamalu said...

buffalodickdy
Makes you wonder doesn't it?

Akelamalu said...

paul
That was then!

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