Everything And Nothing

Thursday, 7 June 2007

The Rules.....

1. The Female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possible know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of them.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misundertanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female may change her mind at any time.

9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The male is expected to be a mind reader at all times.

14. The male who doesn't abide by the rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document the rules could result in bodily harm.

16. If the female has PMS all the rules are null and void.

17. The female is ready when she is ready.

18. The male must be ready at all times.

Wednesday, 6 June 2007

Dona Nobis Pacem.....

Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace.

Buddha (560-483 B.C.)

Human Beings, indeed all sentient beings, have the right to pursue happiness and live in peace and freedom.

The XIVth Dalai Lama

Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.

Albert Einstein (1979-1955)

It is possible to live in peace.

Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

We look forward to the time when the Power of Love will replace the Love of Power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace.

William Gladstone (1809-1898)

If there is to be peace in the world, There must be peace in the nations.

If there is to be peace in the nations, There must be peace in the cities.

If there is to be peace in the cities, There must be peace between neighbors.

If there is to be peace between neighbors, There must be peace in the home.

If there is to be peace in the home, There must be peace in the heart.

Lao Tzu (570-490 B.C.)

And last but not least in the Words of John Lennon -

Give Peace a Chance

Listen to it here

If you would like to put up your own Peace Globe you can get one at Mimi Writes, I hope you'll join in folks.

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

Double Entendres........

Here are some extracts from letters received by the Gas Board...

Can you move the meter so that it won't cause an obstruction in my passage?

The Electric man did it through the floorboards but your man put it in my front passage where everyone can see it, and I don't like it so much in the kitchen as I did in the shop window.

I told my husband it was safe to have it in all night, but he won't. If he comes to the showroom like I did, can the lady satisfy him behind the counter and talk him out of it?

I was told mine was no good but if it is altered I can get the North Sea in.

I have heard there are two ways you can have it and it worked out cheaper the more you got if you have it the other way.

I am not satisfied with an apprentice, so will you send a man to do it properly?

My wife will be ready for your man if you will let her know when he is coming on a postcard.

I will try to pay before the end of the month because my husband will be surprised if you cut it off without telling him.

My husband is pretty handy but he says your men can do it better because of their tools.

It has gone slack with use and my husband can't make it tight no matter how he tries, so for the time being we are making do with an old gas ring.

My slot is not blocked now but your men made an awful mess banging their tools on the wall.

Since I made arrangements with your salesman I am having a baby and would like to change it for a drying cabinet.

My neighbour has a bigger one than we had, it makes a difference to her water when she fills the bath.

My husband was under the impression I was getting it at reduced rates but your salesman didn't use his head and got me into trouble.

It is about time your workmen came back to fill the hole because we are fed up of having it in the street, it is a big attraction and we are getting children by the dozen.

It's Peace Globe Day tomorrow folks. If you want to join in read all about it and get your Peace Globe at Mimi Writes.

My knee
Tuesday 5th June
Doing really well, walking quite a bit more, still with the crutch outside but it's just a security blanket really.

Monday, 4 June 2007

My Project....

Some of you may remember in my post "How I started blogging" I said that I was considering starting another blog to publish My Grandmother's biography, which was written by my father a few years ago. Well your enthusiasm spurred me on so that's what I've been working on and it is now done.

Despite not having very much education, for reasons you will come to understand if you read it, my Dad has managed to write 27,394 words about his beloved mother.

Dad promised KIT (his mother) that one day he would write her story and at the age of 70 he did just that. I typed it up for him, printed it off and sent it to a few publishers, unfortunately they returned them saying that it was too short.

He is now 83 and I promised him I would publish KIT's story for the world to read so, as I failed with the publishers, I have now put it on the web where it is not dependent on people buying it, it can be read by the whole world.

I have called it KIT - A Biography Of My Mother by J.H. Dawson - it is a testament to my grandmother and my wonderful father, her youngest son.

So if you would like to read it you can find it here.

If you read it, please feel free to leave any comments in the guest book there or here on this post.

I hope you enjoy it.

Sunday, 3 June 2007

When did that happen? ......

I just noticed that my counter says over 10,000 visitors and I have clocked up over 100 posts - how did that happen without me noticing???!!!!!

I'm going out for the day, see you tomorrow.

Saturday, 2 June 2007

DOH........

THE FOLLOWING QUESTION AND ANSWERS WERE COLLECTED FROM GCSE EXAM RESULTS . THESE ARE GENUINE RESPONSES (16 YEAR OLDS)

GEOGRAPHY

Q: Name the four seasons?
A: Salt, Pepper, Mustard And Vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A Body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

SOCIOLOGY

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (eg abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels a,e,i,o,u

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does varicose mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "caesarean section"?
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

ENGLISH

Q: Use the word judicious in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can feel soft as your face.

Q: What does the word benign mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

TECHNOLOGY

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an arab or sikh wears on his head

My knee
Saturday 2nd June
Feeling good, I think it's turned the corner!

Friday, 1 June 2007

Faraway Shores.....

We spent 2 hours in the travel agents yesterday whilst my friend's daughter (who works there) scoured the computer for holiday bargains for us.

She came up with quite a few - Spain, Greece, Malta, Portugal, Canaries, Caribbean but there wasn't one that really took my fancy. "She must be hard to please" I can hear you say. No, not really but as MWM always trusts me to choose the holiday it has to really say to me "Come Here!" and none of them did. MWM tells everyone that all the holidays we have had have been fantastic and that's all down to my choices, so you can see I'm under a bit of pressure here folks! We have never been disappointed - yet - and I don't want to start now by taking any old holiday.

After some discussion with our travel agent friend it's been decided that as we don't want to go until about the 6th July (I'm back at the doctors on the 5th for another sick note) we should leave it until the week before and she will try to get us a 'real' bargain like the ones you always see in the travel agents windows. In the meantime she will be checking what's on offer daily and if anything comes up that she thinks would suit she'll give me a ring. How's that for service?

We got the suitcases out of the loft when we were having it insulated a few weeks ago, so I can pack at a minutes notice, after I've ironed everything of course. So keep your fingers crossed that we get a luxury cruise or all inclusive holiday in the Maldives for about £500 each.

AS IF!

Thursday, 31 May 2007

Answers anyone?......

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on .. . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Wednesday, 30 May 2007

Critters......

We were plagued with critters yesterday.

We noticed some ants in the lounge and when we looked behind the sofa there was a steady stream coming in under the skirting on the gable end. Now we can only presume this is a direct result of having the cavity wall insulation done a couple of weeks ago as we've never had ants before. Luckily we had some Nippon Ant Killer liquid, which we had used on an ants nest outside, so MWM put some on a piece of celophane where the ants were coming in. The ants were all over it in seconds and stayed like that all evening, when I got up this morning they'd all disappeared. Apparently it works by attracting the ants then they eat it and take it back to the nest where it kills them. Anyway, hopefully it's done the trick but we'll leave it down for a few days to make sure.

Later on yesterday I was busy blogging when I heard scuffling behind me and a big black cat wandered in the study. MWM was outside and had left the front door open allowing it to wander in. Of course I shouted and shushed and it shot out, so I went downstairs to look for it and asked MWM if he's seen it, he hadn't and went upstairs to check that it wasn't still in the house. He found it hiding in our bedroom and tried to pick it up to put it outside but it shot into the study again, ran up the wall and ceiling, then landed on the curtain rail, which it managed to pull completely off the wall before MWM managed to grab it, but not before it sank it's claws into his arm! I don't know who was more fraught the cat or MWM!

I had to go to the dentist yesterday for a 6 monthly check up, a scale and polish and an extraction - I was charged £43.50 for the privilege under the new NHS Dentistry charges. don't it make you want to rinse and SPIT!!!

On a completely different subject I read in yesterday's paper that an 84 year old Gurka war hero, who won the Victoria Cross when he single-handedly took out some Japanese machine-gun nest in Burma during the Second World War, is being denied the right to live in England. He is now suffering from a heart condition, diabetes and asthma and lives in near poverty on a hillside in Nepal but wants to spend his last years here. The Home Office has told him: "You have failed to demonstrate you have strong ties with the UK". How much stronger do your ties have to be than being awarded the highest military decoration for being willing to lay down your life for this country?

However there is a petition to the Government that requests

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to immediately and retrospectively give all Gurkha servicemen and their immediate families past and present british citizenship.

If you are a British citizen or resident you can sign the petition here.

Our Goverment should be totally ashamed!

My knee
Wednesday 30th May
Feeling really good, not using the crutch around the house at all now, though I still need it when I go outside.

Tuesday, 29 May 2007

One word........

I've been tagged by Julia at A Piece of My Mind for a meme whereby you answer the following questions with just one word - that's going to be difficult for me, I'll have to bite my tongue!!

Here goes......

1. Where is your cell phone? Nearby

2. Relationship? Forever

3. Your hair? Messy

4. Work? Finish

5. Your sister? None

6. Your favorite thing? Sun

7. Your dream last night? Holidays

8. Your favorite drink? Brandy

9. Your dream car? Rolls

10. The room you’re in? Dump

11. Your shoes? Slippers

12. Your fears? Illness

13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Traveller

14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Friends

15. What you’re not good at? DIY

16. Muffin? Sandwich

17. One of your wish list items? Nails

18. Where you grew up? Town

19. The last thing you did? Visiting

20. What are you wearing? Robe

21. What aren’t you wearing? Lipstick

22. Your pet? None

23. Your computer? Slow

24. Your life? Wonderful

25. Your mood? Expectant

26. Missing? Nothing

27. What are you thinking about right now? Breakfast

28. Your car? Peugeot

29. Your kitchen? Perfect

30. Your summer? Holiday

31. Your favorite color? Gold

32. When is the last time you laughed? Today

33. Last time you cried? Yesterday

34. School? Work

35. Love? Husband

Now I have to tag some more ~~victims~~ blogging friends, so I tag Talj, cg and Letha, but only if you want to join in.

Monday, 28 May 2007

Sentimental Journey...........

Click on photos to enlarge.

Reminiscent of Brief Encounter with Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson was our day yesterday, which started with a Steam Train ride on The East Lancs Railway from our local station to Ramsbottom. Every May the ELR host a "War Weekend" which is a celebration of all things 1940's. People come from all over the country dressed up in 1940's dress and uniform to enjoy the music and ambience of the era. Of course I'm much too young to remember it but I do love the fashions and music of that time.

This 'young' couple were going up and down the train playing requests on the accordian and singing, and at the same time collecting donations for Cancer Research. The train was full and everyone was singing along to 'It's a Long Way to Tipperary' and 'Roll Out The Barrel'.

When we got to Ramsbottom station it looked like wartime Britain with people dressed in authentic 1940's clothes. and uniforms of every description.

Check them out.

The weather wasn't great, showery and a bit cold, but it didn't deter anyone from enjoying themselves.

We called in a Chip Shop with a little restaurant in the back and had fish, chips and mushy peas and a big mug of tea, then just a short walk to 'The Good Samaritan' pub which was hosting a beer festival.

There were 16 beers on offer with such delilghts as Bikes and Trikes Beer 3.6%, Black Pig Mild 3.6%, No Eye Deer 4%, Bitter & Twisted 3.8%, Nightmare 5%, True Grit 5% and Befuggled 4.2%.

We only had time for a couple before we had to head back to the station for the train home.

There was a train running up and down all day carrying Army vehicles and armoured cars.

It even had an armed guard!

Company B provided music from the 40's (listen here) which promped people to get up to Jitterbug and Jive.

The young lady in the dungarees had come all the way from Rotheram and boy could she dance! I would have loved to have joined in as my Dad taught me how to jive when we were both younger, but obviously it wasn't practical with a crutch!

Then our train came in and it was time to head back home.

We had a great day out, but we weren't too exhausted, so were able to go out to our local last night just to finish off a perfect day.

My knee

Monday 28th May

I did a lot of walking yesterday, even climbing the stairs over the footbridge on the station - I'm not been able to do that for a long time, I usually have to get one of the station staff to take me across the tracks. I think all the exercise did me knee good, it feels Ok today.

Kit - Book Reviews

Stephen

This was a fantastic read. My mother is a niece of Joe and so Kit was my Great Grandmother, and so relating to some of the characters was fantastic. Thanks for a moving tribute to our Great Grandmother.

Lorraine

How lovely and a wonderful tribute. Your father must be so proud and I think it is incredible he took the time to sit and write this out. I am so happy for him that this has seen the light of day and we are all able to read his words. Say a big thank you to him from me please.

Fancita

This has been the most moving story I have read in a long time. I will read this over and over again. Such a wonderful give you have given.

Jackie

I loved Kit's story! My family are from the same area, so much of it was very familiar to me. It is a wonderful heirloom!

Andrew

This biography is of my great grandmother. I am the youngest son of one of Joe's nieces and really enjoyed reading and learning lots about the family history. Thanks for the moving history lesson.

Mary

Beautiful.... spent the last few days reading this on and off. Once I started reading this I could not stop. Heartworming. Memories...

M.M.

Have done nothing else today but read your mother's story. Once I started I couldn't stop. She would be very proud. Thanks for a very fascinating and moving story!! I will be going to England for the first time later this month, but not around the Manchester area. It is a place I have always wanted to visit, not for the least of which is the resilience of it's people which your family's story certainly demonstrates. Thanks.

momo

its quite amazin becuse in scool we r learnin about riting a biography of 1 of our parents.i love it!!!!!

Robin

Loved it! Started and couldn't stop until the end. My only complaint is that I couldn't view any but the first photograph - would've loved to see more of Kit and her family. What a wonderful thing to do and what a treasure for Kit's family!

Karen

I have just finished reading KIT - A Biography of my Mother. What a wonderful, heartwarming story, I enjoyed each and every chaper. Hope it will be published as a book for all to read.

Lettuce

This is wonderful, Lamalu - i've got tears on my face too, lovely writing and what a great story and insight and memory - and everything that it is! i've just read the beginning, and will be back soon for more.Congrats, this really is marvellous!

Annelisa

I've read 'The Beginning'... the birth of Kit...and was engrossed! Although there was strife, and the catholics and protestants were not good bed-fellows, it is beautiful that your grandmother and grandfather came together, and in their affection for each other gave birth to little baby Kit... I will be back to read the next chapter soon... I would love to know more about this (your) family!

Dauna

I love the words that have flowed from your heart about your mother Kit. I feel like I know you and her through your words. I have tears in my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing it was beautiful. I will be sending people to read this and hope you publish in book form I would buy. Oh my what a great heart warming story of your mothers life, love ,struggles, wonderful children and victory. Kit lived!Many blessings to you,Angel