ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- As bright as Alaska in December.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
- Takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
- On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
- On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside".
- On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
- On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost".
- On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on botttom of box): "Do not turn upside down".
- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
- On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
- On Boot's Children's Cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
- On Nytol Sleep aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
- On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
- On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".
- On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".
- On an American airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts".
- On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
Read Quick Giggles Parts 1, 2 and 3.