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Saturday, 11 August 2007

Workplace commandments....

Here's the Ten Workplace Commandments of George Costanza.... now I know where I've been going wrong, and what some of my colleagues have been doing right!

  1. Never walk without a document in your hands:
    People with documents in thair hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in thair hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

  2. Use Computers to look busy:
    Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits and the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

  3. Messy Desk:
    Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

  4. Voice Mail:
    Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

  5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed:
    One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impressiion that you are always busy.

  6. Leave the office late:
    Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time, until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 09.34 p.m., 7.05 a.m. etc.) and during public holidays.

  7. Creative Sighing for Effect:
    Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

  8. Stacking Strategy:
    It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc., (thick computer manuals are best).

  9. Build Vocabulary:
    Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: they don't have to understand what you say, but your sure sound impressive!

  10. MOST IMPORTANT:
    Don't forward this to your boss by mistake!

27 comments:

Around My Kitchen Table said...

He, he! I've worked with some people who have got that down to a fine art. Sadly, I am too full of the puritan work ethic to obey these commandments - but I might cherry-pick a few for the odd moment!

RUTH said...

I'll store this away for for the future....great post...LOL
Rx

Akelamalu said...

around my kitchen table I'm fast approaching using this work ethic believe me!

Akelamalu said...

Knowing your luck Ruth the management would suss you right away!!! :(

Flowerpot said...

Reminds me why I'm so glad i dont work in an office any more! Working from home has its disadvantages but I'll stick with them!

Akelamalu said...

I wish I could work from home too flowerpot!

buffalodickdy said...

I do all my e-mails before 630am. It probably makes them think I work harder than I do!

Linda said...

Trust me I've got the looking annoyed and sighing part down to a "T"! I think that's all part and parcel of a dispatch center, though!

Have a lovely weekend!

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

sounds like perfect advice to me! i always carried some document with me!

smiles, bee

Pauline said...

OK this is not fair, my boss is me and if I did all that I'd probably just convince myself to have a heart attack!


btw Akela, so sorry I haven't posted the award yet but I've had a really busy week. It will be posted tomorrow and thanks again for thinking of me!

The Rotten Correspondent said...

I do love George Costanza. (Reading the list I could see him in my head doing each of these things in his oh so special George way).
Funny post. I've filed a few away for future reference!

Akelamalu said...

Crikey buffalodickdy what time do you get up???

Akelamalu said...

I'm gonna practice all that before I go back to work in September Linda. ;)

Akelamalu said...

I do too Bee, usually a note to myself of what I have to do - terrible memory me!

Akelamalu said...

You don't need to look busy if you are your own boss Pauline! Post the award whenever your ready honey. :)

Akelamalu said...

rotten correspondent I'm going to try some of these when I get back to work - the 'looking impatient and annoyed' will come very easily methinks!

Skittles said...

Those are great. I especially like the sighing one. :)

I have a special sticky post up!

Catch said...

I always tried to look busy when I worked for my brother in the office....I would be typing away at the computer..usually typing a letter to my girlfrind in Oklahome...lol

Akelamalu said...

That one comes easily I think skittles!

Akelamalu said...

I've been guilty of that too Catch ;)

Elween said...

Aunty Lucy obeys all the commandment!

Akelamalu said...

Elween your Aunty Lucy is a nice lady. :)

Shaz said...

Will be taking these new tips with me to my new job . . . lol

CS said...

These are good, I'll have to try these to make a good impression on my boss. Oh wiat, I am my boss. Rats.

CS said...

These are good, I'll have to try these to make a good impression on my boss. Oh wiat, I am my boss. Rats.

Ali said...

The list is brilliant, but how long have you been emailing my oh so lovely colleague in the office?? She has this list off to a tee... lol

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