Wednesday, 21 September 2011

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman - unknown)

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure 
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.  They 
were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a 
figure carved from a potato chip. 

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent 
rubber bands. 

What choice did I have?  I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.  The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.  The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, 
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks.  Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. 

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared! 

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.  It took a while to find the other.  At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. 

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.  The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.  I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. 

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted 
those bits of me willing to stay inside it.  The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides.  I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap. 

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit. 

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring. 

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. 

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in  mourning. 

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I 
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. 

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a 
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.  It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.  My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. 

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water." 

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt! 

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.  Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!

Ring any bells ladies????  LOL

 I'm off on a jaunt tomorrow, which I will tell you about next week.  Be good while I'm away. 


MorningAJ said...

Or you could just go to Tesco's like I do. They sell lovely ones with cups in. (I cut them out because I don't like them!) I go swimming twice a week and have a selection of four cossies now - all capable of disguising my 'bumpier' bits.

Valerie said...

Your post is so hilarious, Pearl. I enjoyed reading all the different descriptions of the bathing suits. I think the playdoh was the funniest.

I haven't exactly reached the floor (laughing) but I'm getting there.

mrsnesbitt said...

Pearl - this is hilarious! Loved every minute of it!

Akelamalu said...

Thanks for the tits oops sorry tips AJ ;)

Glad you enjoyed it Valerie it made me chuckle too.

I loved it when I read it too Denise :)

Beach Bum said...

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.

Yes, I am just now picking myself off the floor with spasms of laughter still running through my body.

I'm sending this to my wife.

CrystalChick said...

haha!! YES, I can relate. I can't think of the last time I bought a bathing suit. The Jersey coastline is an hour from us but I'm not fond of laying on the beach or swimming. I'd much prefer to do an evening trip there for the casinos or the boardwalk. Should we plan a vacation to a tropical destination in the future I'll deal with the bathing suit issue then and try to have a sense of humor about it! ;)

Daryl said...

Oh my dear, you need to come here .. I got a mah-vel-ous swim suit with cups .. in black .. for under $50!

Akelamalu said...

I'm sure your wife will appreciate it Beach ;)

I like the beach during the day and the casino at night CrystalChick ;)

I'm OK for swimsuits thanks Daryl but the poor woman who wrote that definitely wasn't LOL

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

o.m.g.... i KNOW!

smiles, bee

Ron said...


OMG....HILARIOUS post!!!!!!

I spewed my morning coffee a few times whilst reading this!!!!

In my opinion? I think bathing suites were much more attractive and sexy back in the 50's because they were revealing, but in a very tasteful way.

Great post, m'dear! Thanks for the morning laughs!

Have a wonderful time on your jaunt tomorrow!


Melanie said...

I soooooo feel this!!

G-Man said...

Picture Please!!!!!!

Akelamalu said...

You're talking about those ladies at Water Aerobics aren't you Bee? LOL

Ah they were stylish then Ron :)

Oooh I couldn't G-man :0 Anyway this is not about me. ;)

Linda said...

This one had me laughing out loud literally! Ah, the horrors of trying a bathing suit! I give the brave woman lots of points for at least trying!

Hope you thoroughly enjoyed your jaunting around!

Gledwood said...

All I can say is, I'm glad I'm not a middle-aged woman about to go swimming!

Akelamalu said...

I was the same when I read it Linda. Yes we really enjoyed our jaunt thanks. :)

Yes, you men have it easy Gledwood ;)

Shrinky said...

"I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them."

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, oh girl, that one slayed me! I love your wit and grace, this is the best post I've read in aeons - you are such a fab writer, thanks for the laughs.

And for the record, you are FAR braver than me, my bathing suit days are well and truly over (sigh)..

Maggie May said...

I'm really sorry but I am chuckling!
I would be in a similar position if I was looking for a bathing suit.
What is wrong with these manufacturers? There are plenty of people much bigger than us!
Loved this post!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Finding Pam said...

I remember I used to help my grand mother get into her swim suit. It was black and had about 50 hooks in the back followed by a long zipper. lots of boning and huge cups to hold her chest. She then put on her pearls and red lipstick. She looked marvelous.

I stopped wearing a bathing suit many years ago. Just too much trouble. I loved this post! Thanks for all the laughs.

Banker Chick said...

Funny and so true. If I find a style that fits I usually buy 2. I haven't had to shop for years.

Akelamalu said...

Glad you enjoyed this Shrinky but I can't take credit for writing it unfortunately. :)

Don't apologise for laughing Maggie, it's not about me honey. LOL

Your grandmother sounds fabulous Pam!

I do the same Banker chick ;)

Pat said...

Hilarious! I've had similar experiences shopping for a swimsuit! Swimsuit manufacturers are prejudiced against us mature women. In general, two-piece swimsuits (that look like one-piece) with built in bra (some actually still have those!) work for me because my upper and lower bodies are different sizes. I'm pear-shaped.

Kay L. Davies said...

Oh yes. I wear the granny ones with the skirts. My youngest niece, who is almost 10 now, once paid me a compliment after I bought a respectable old-lady bathing suit in navy blue with bits of white, so I figure (no pun intended) I can survive anything. A compliment on my bathing suit at my age? Priceless.

Kay, Alberta, Canada
An Unfittie’s Guide to Adventurous Travel

Akelamalu said...

You're right Pat, manufacturers only seem interested in making swimwear for stick insects!

Well that was nice of your niece Kay :)