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Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Advice for travellers to Australia....

These were posted on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!).

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK )

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. 
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q:
 Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

20 comments:

Beach Bum said...

I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather


The main reason I like to travel outside the United States is to get away from fellow Americans.

This was an awesome post!

Akelamalu said...

Glad you enjoyed it Beach, though I can't take credit for it as I got it in an email. I thought it was funny too and wanted to share it. x

MorningAJ said...

Oh dear! This reminds me of Jasper Carrott's car insurance claim form collection. "I turned into the wrong drive by mistake and hit a tree that we don't have".
These are priceless! Thank you for finding them.

Valerie said...

Brilliant. I have to show this to stepdaughter and her man since they're over here from Australia.

Akelamalu said...

Oh yes, I've seen the insurance claim form too and it's hilarious AJ!

I hope they enjoy it Valerie :)

G-Man said...

Ake....?
Are you trying for a chamber of commerce job?

Akelamalu said...

LOL You think I stand a chance G?

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

too funny! people are so dumb sometimes!

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxooxox

Daryl said...

Now this is funny .. oh those Aussies!

Daryl said...

I forgot to add I am loving your new design .. so cheery!

Banker Chick said...

We are driving back to California. Mr Banker nearly drove off the road laughing.

Ron said...

"Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking."

Bwhahahahahahahhhaha! LOVE IT!

Great post, m'dear!

Thanks for the awesome morning laughs! Have a great day!

X

Akelamalu said...

Aren't they just Bee? LOL

Great sense of humour the Aussies Daryl Glad you like my new template. :)

Ooops don't read out any more to him Banker Chick! ;)

Happy to make you smile Ron x

Mike Golch said...

funny.

mjunta said...

cool

Cloudia said...

Good answers!


Aloha from Waikiki;


Comfort Spiral


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Linda said...

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather

Yep, that sounds just about right!

Akelamalu said...

Glad you liked it Mike, mjunta and Cloudia :)

LOL I think that would sell anywhere Linda!

poindextr said...

oh my goodness - actual humans posted these crazy questions?!? hysterically funny :) Thank you for dropping by, it's nice to meet you and your blog too. Your photo over at Ron's is so intriguing - those big stripes of color almost look like a painting. Really captures my imagination!

Kay L. Davies said...

I really enjoyed this. Laughed myself silly. I visited Australia many years ago, and most people were really happy to hear I was Canadian and not British, American, or German. Now I know why.
— K

Kay, Alberta, Canada
An Unfittie's Guide to Adventurous Travel