Making a baby......

Making a baby. This is hilarious! 
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!-- 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'   

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'   
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'   

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'   

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'   

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'   
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'   

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.   

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'   

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?' 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 

'Tripod?' 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' 
Mrs Smith fainted

Anniversary and other stuff....

 No 'Succinctly Yours' today as I was out all day yesterday enjoying myself, so didn't get time to write one.  Instead I thought I'd tell you what I've been up to for the past few weeks.

Yesterday we went on the East Lancs Railway, with our friends, to The Trackside, which is a  pub on Bury Station, where we enjoyed some real ale.    Later we went to a new(ish) Chinese restaurant, called Flaming Dragon, where you pay a set price and can eat as much as you like.   There were so many dishes to choose from I was spoilt for choice and ate far too much.   After eating we went for a walk and called into another pub for a quick drink before catching the bus back to our home town to one of our local pubs for the Sunday night quiz.   We were joint First on the quiz but lost it on the tie break - we was robbed!  LOL

Yesterday was also the 5th anniversary for my new knee.      I had a total knee replacement on my right knee on 26th February 2007 and that was the reason I started this blog, to keep a record of the progress I made, though I wasn't sure at the time if it would be the complete success it turned out to be.  I thought at best I would be able to walk without pain, I didn't envisage that I would be going to the gym and Zumba classes, so you can imagine how ecstatic I am with the results of my surgery.  You can read about it here if you're interested.

Every Tuesday for the last seven weeks we have been beautifying our house.   We have painted every room in the house, except the smallest bedroom, which we don't actually use as a bedroom - it's full of books and MWM's paraphernalia and is a bit of a junk room so it will have to wait for it's beauty treatment until MWM tidies it up.   This week is the last of the beautifying, we're cleaning the carpets, then next week we are decluttering the wardrobes, so the charity shops round here will be receiving a huge donation - I'm going to be ruthless and insist MWM does the same.

After all our work over the past weeks we're hoping to take a few day trips out before our first proper holiday of the year on 6th April, when we go on a coach trip for 4 days to the Severn Valley, which I'll tell you about when we get back.

We were all celebrating a couple of weeks ago when our youngest son secured a two year training contract with a firm of solicitors, which he will start in September when he finishes the last year of his University Degree Course in Law.  Last year, at the end of the first three years of the course he gained a First Class Honours Degree and just has to finish this year to be able to have the letters LL.B (Hons) after his name, which makes him a Bachelor of Law.    We're so proud of him because he started this degree when he was eighteen but dropped out after 12 months, then decided to go back to University at the age of 32 to obtain his Law degree.  He has worked extremely hard and suffered financial hardship because they have had to rely on just his partner's income for the past four years.   He really couldn't have done it without her support, she has worked all the hours God sends to keep them afloat and will still have to work hard for the next two years whilst he is completing his training with the solicitors, as although he will get paid during his training, it won't be very much.   Hopefully in two years time they will both benefit from all their hard work when he has finally become a fully fledged solicitor.     MWM and I are looking forward to July when we will go to his graduation ceremony to see him receive his First Class Honours Degree at last.

Last week I went out to lunch with four friends (should have been five but one couldn't make it) I haven't seen for at least 10 years.  We spent our late teens and early twenties together dancing every night listening to the various pop groups that played at our local night spot.   We do keep in touch, on Facebook and send Christmas cards but haven't actually got together for such a long time.  It was great to meet up and talk about what we have all been doing the past years and talk about all times. We've made a solemn vow to meet up every couple of months at least and hopefully we will all be there next time. Here we are enjoying lunch.

  Well that's about all my news, must go now it's nearly time to make lunch.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction #191 A New Knee

 "You'll son have a right knee that you can depend on my dear" the surgeon performing her knee replacement surgery assured her.

She's suffered for years and finally she was getting it sorted out.

Waking up from the anaesthetic Jane lifted the bedclothes and was shocked to see the huge dressing

on her left leg!

Five years ago on 26th February 2007 I had a total knee replacement.   Thankfully my surgeon performed the operation on the correct knee and it has been a complete success.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Lanzarote Part 3.....

Saturday dawned and as the weather was dull, so there was no chance of sunbathing, after breakfast we decided to take advantage of the courtesy shuttle bus down to Playa Blanca to explore.  By the time we had alighted the shuttle bus the sun had slightly emerged from behind the clouds and we headed down to the harbour for a walk along the sea front.

 MWM posing

 

 The view of where we were heading

 Me posing, halfway there

We stopped for a coffee at one of the cafes on the promenade enjoying the sun, which had decided to make an appearance, then set off again to explore the rest of the promenade.

This is the view from the other end of the promenade looking back to where we started.

We had been told it was possible to walk the coast road from Village Playa Blanca to our hotel at Pappagayo Beach, so as there was no rush we decided to do that.  About ten minutes into our walk brought us to the new Marina Rubicon, very stylish with a wide range of interesting shops, bars and restaurants and a vast array of moored boats.

Marina Rubicon

It happened to be one of the days when the marina hosts a busy street market, so we had a mooch round the stalls and I bought a silver bead for my bead bracelet and a small mosaic elephant to add to my collection.   As we were passing through the market right down by the waterfront we noticed a bar where there was a singer and stopped to listen. 

 He was so good we decided to take a seat and have a refreshing beer whilst enjoying his singing. We took a short video of him but for some reason Blogger won't let me upload it, so I've put it on You Tube and you can see/hear it here.


Anyway,  about three beers later he had finished his spot so we decided it was time we continued our walk back to the hotel.   Here's some photos of what we saw on the way back.

It was a long walk up hill and down dale, we thoroughly enjoyed it but we were starving by the time we got back to the hotel at around 4 p.m.  Luckily the snack bar was open so we grabbed a burger and a drink before retiring to our room for a nap before getting ready for dinner.  I say a nap, it was actually a couple of hours, as we were really tired after our long walk back.

Waking refreshed we showered and changed and made our way down to the restaurant for another delicious dinner and then enjoyed the entertainment in one of the many bars.

I hope you'll join me again for Lanzarote Part 4 and The Fire Mountain.

Succinctly Yours - A Microfiction Meme #42

Grandma at Grandma's Goulash provides a picture and a word prompt for this Microfiction Meme and the rules are use the photo as inspiration for a story of 140 characters OR 140 words.

Want more challenge? Use the word of the week in your story. This part is optional.

This week's word is REVOLUTION here's the picture and my offering using the picture and word of the week  in 140 characters, including spaces and punctuation.

She appeared to be a bag lady.

They didn't know she was responsible,

in her twenties, 

for having started the revolution that changed society.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction #190 Valentine's Day....

"From A Secret Admirer" the card read with the dozen red roses.

Smiling to herself, she knew exactly who they were from, how lovely!

She would cook a special meal for her husband tonight.

Unfortunately, the card and the roses had to go,

she didn't want her husband to be jealous

or more importantly, suspicious!

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

The PS.........

Received this in an email..........

To my darling husband,

 

Before you return from your trip I just want to let  you know about the small  accident I had with the bakkie when I turned into our driveway.  

Fortunately it’s not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me!!
 
I was coming home from the salon and when I turned into the driveway, I   accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.  
The garage door is slightly  bent but the bakkie fortunately came to a stop when it bumped into your new Ferrari. :
I am really, really sorry, but  I just KNOW that, with your kind-hearted personality, you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for  you my sweetheart!!  
I am  enclosing a picture for you. . .  I cannot wait to hold you in my arms  again.  


Your loving wife.
 
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

P.S.

Your girlfriend phoned.  

Succinctly Yours - A Microfiction Meme #41

Grandma at Grandma's Goulash provides a picture and a word prompt for this Microfiction Meme and the rules are use the photo as inspiration for a story of 140 characters OR 140 words.

Want more challenge? Use the word of the week in your story. This part is optional.

This week's word is HONEST here's the picture and my offering using the picture and word of the week  in 140 characters, including spaces and punctuation.

The pretty house appeared to belong to loving person, 

but James knew different,Annabel wasn't honest,

the only person she loved was herself.

I can't believe.....

it's been

years since I started this blog.

Let's have a party.

Help yourself to cake.

I've had a great five years, hope it continues.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction #189 Daily Walk...

 Penny loved her daily walk by the river.

The walks were usually peaceful and uneventful, not today.

Hearing the word "Fetch" she looked around to see a woman floundering in the water.

Without hesitation she plunged straight into the water and dragged the woman to safety.

Penny made the headlines...........

Dog Saves Woman From Drowning.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Bad Day...

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Succinctly Yours - A Microfiction Meme #40

Grandma at Grandma's Goulash provides a picture and a word prompt for this Microfiction Meme and the rules are use the photo as inspiration for a story of 140 characters OR 140 words.

Want more challenge? Use the word of the week in your story. This part is optional.

This week's word is SPECULATE here's the picture and my offering using the picture and word of the week  in 140 characters, including spaces and punctuation.

There seemed to be no clues to indicate why the man jumped.

Det.Yin did not speculate, 

he relied on his investigations to discover the truth.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction #188 Permanent Solution..

She'd thought about it long and hard.

It was a major operation.

Ben said she'd regret it later, want it reversing.

She'd made up her mind, the pills and usual things hadn't worked.

Having six children had piled on the weight, no more she decided....

a gastric band was the solution to her weight problems. 

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Fur Gloves........

Thought you might enjoy this, I received it in an email.......

A young man called Murray from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Murray consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note...not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Murray unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Murray sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Murray

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.