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Friday 55 Flash Fiction #183 2011....

It has been a wonderful year,

So many good things happened.

So much to be grateful for,

then in October Dad died.

My world fell apart.

However, reflecting on what’s past and what could be in the future

I’m very optimistic and happy, just how Dad would have wanted me to be.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

What I owe my mother....

Recieved in an email but oh so true LOL
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.' 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL 
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.' 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry 
about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA 
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY 
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.' 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.' 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. 
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going 
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow 
up.' 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: 
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you ' 
 

Christmas Greetings...

Wishing you all a Very Merry Christmas

Friday 55 Flash Fiction #182 A Christmas Visitor..

Quietly easing himself down the chimney,

careful to not dislodge too much soot,

he landed gently on the hearth of the fireplace.

“Oh bugger,  I forgot the sack” he whispered up the chimney.

The sack was thrown down

and the robber filled it with the family’s presents from under the tree

before exiting the door!

Sorry were you expecting Santa?? LOL

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

The Reformed Parrott....

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a mean attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,

playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
    Finally I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. He yelled back.

I shook him and he got even angrier and ruder.

So, and in desperation, I grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
  Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
  I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

PS I didn't write this, I received it in an email and wanted to share it with you.

A Christmas Story.....

 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

 

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Succinctly Yours - A Microfiction Meme #34

Grandma at Grandma's Goulash provides a picture and a word prompt for this Microfiction Meme and the rules are use the photo as inspiration for a story of 140 characters OR 140 words.

Want more challenge? Use the word of the week in your story. This part is optional.

This week's word is NIMBLE here's the picture and my offering using the picture and word of the week  in 140 characters, including spaces and punctuation.

Watching Santa ease himself down the chimney

Snowman tipped his hat at him.

Give the man his due,

He’s incredibly nimble for such a fat bloke.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction #181 ChristmasTrifle......

He crept downstairs heading for the kitchen.

 “She’s behind you?” called the parrot.

 “Oh no she’s isn’t” he said, lifting the trifle out of the fridge.

“Oh yes she is” said parrot.

“We shouldn’t have let you watch that panto” he told the parrot.

“Leave that trifle alone, you’re on a diet” said his wife.

Friday 55 Flash Fiction is brought to you by G-man (Mr Knowitall). The idea is you write a story in exactly 55 words. If you want to take part pop over and let G-man know when you've posted your 55.

Our Poor Old English language.....

Only in Britain - extracts from complaint letters to local housing councils.

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

Succinctly Yours - A Microfiction Meme #33

Grandma at Grandma's Goulash provides a picture and a word prompt for this Microfiction Meme and the rules are use the photo as inspiration for a story of 140 characters OR 140 words.

Want more challenge? Use the word of the week in your story. This part is optional.

This week's word is DILIGENT here's the picture and my offering using the picture and word of the week  in 140 characters, including spaces and punctuation.

Heads down, eyes focused, the trio were diligent in their search.

Surely an impossible task - to find a lost earring in a snow covered field.