Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Our Poor Old English language.....

Only in Britain - extracts from complaint letters to local housing councils.

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.


Cloudia said...

Land of Shakespeare!

Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

> < } } ( ° >


< ° ) } } > <

MorningAJ said...

Those are priceless. Have you ever heard Jasper Carrott's extracts from car insurance claims? They're similar to these - and he swears they're all true!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

LMFAO @ He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

MorningAJ said...


Melanie said...

Too funny!!

mrsnesbitt said...


Valerie said...

Fabulous, Pearl.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction

Keep trying, gal! lol.

No.15 made me giggle as well. Thanks for the midweek laugh.

Anonymous said...

Ho, ho!

Poohtle said...

Hilarious. :)

Beach Bum said...


Daryl said...

these are a hoot ..

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

thanks for the good laughs this morning!!!

smiles, bee

Banker Chick said...

Back passage...Large erections....a bad wind. I love the ENGLISH language. Thanks for the laugh.

wheatgerm said...

these are hilarious

Mama Zen said...

These are hilarious!

G-Man said...

Your bush has NEVER had fungus on it. I'd bet the farm on that!

Ron said...

Oh, how WONDERFUL this was to read after such a long day at work!

"23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore."



Thanks for the AWESOME laughs, m'dear!

Have a great rest of your week!


Akelamalu said...

I bet he's turning in his grave Cloudia! LOL

I have heard Jasper Carrot AJ, they are hilarious too.

I thought you'd like them Scot's Lass :)

I thought so too Melanie

Glad you enjoyed them Denise x

Happy to make you smile Valerie

He he Dumdad :)

Glad you enjoyed them Poohtle

Pleased you liked them Beach

Aren't they just Daryl? :)

You're welcome Bee x

Me too Bankerchick

Thanks Wheatgerm, I don't know who wrote them but they made me laugh.

I thinks so too Mama Zen

You've never seen my bush G-man! ;)

You need a good laugh after a hard day at work Ron, I'm happy to provide it. xx

A Lady's Life said...

lol number 12 eeeeyu!

Nat said...

Hahaha! These are brilliant :-)

Travis Cody said...

HA! They are even funnier when you read them aloud!

♥~Judy~♥ said...

The English language gets murdered all the time. It's a wonder it has survived. These were hillarious!

secret agent woman said...

#4 is probably uncomfortable for the boy, although probably not too loud.

And poor guy in #19.

nitebyrd said...

#19 is just brilliant!