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Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Senior citizens.........

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.   The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a  newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the  restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,'  replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember . Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

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A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a newhearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,

'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied,

'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

18 comments:

Valerie said...

Crushed nuts.... hysterical. I'm still laughing at that one, but really every one's a winner.

Grandpa said...

Hilarious! Valerie is right - everyone is a winner.

Finding Pam said...

Senior moments? So that is what we all have to look forward to?

I had to chuckle at all of them.

I hope you are enjoying Spring and your gardening.

Ron said...

OMG, these were HYSTERICAL!!!!

Every one was funnier than the next, but I think I favorite was...

" He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'"

Bwhahahahahahahhahahah! Flawless!

Thanks for the great morning laughs, m'dear!

X

tony said...

& this to come Plus a free bus pass!

Thom said...

BWAHAHAHA to dang funny. Crushed nuts. I'm cringing. LOL. Thanks for brightening my day :)

Quilly said...

Senior Citizen jokes were a lot funnier before I got this close to being one. ;)

Thanks for the laughs.

Cloudia said...

LOL



Warm Aloha from Waikiki


Comfort Spiral

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Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

still laughing at crushed nuts! really good one!

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxooxxo

CrystalChick said...

FUNNY!!! All of them!
Thanks for the laugh. :)

Pranavam Ravikumar a.k.a. Kochuravi said...

I loved the first one more. Thanks for sharing ^_^

Beach Bum said...

This made my day!

The hearing aid one reminded me of an old friend of my grandfather's, his wife forced him to get a hearing aid but sent him back to the doctor a week later because it appeared it was not working.

The doctor looked at it and found nothing wrong. He confronted the old man and simply asked if he was turning it off.

The old man said yes, he said he had to listen to his wife for forty years and he viewed his near deafness as a blessing from God that the hearing aid was ruining.

Akelamalu said...

So glad you had a laugh Valerie :)

I'm pleased you enjoyed them Grandpa :)

Senior moments creep up on you Pam ;)

That was my favourite too Ron x

The free bus pass is the good part Tony!

Glad you had a chuckle Thom x

I know exactly what you mean Quilly ;)

Happy to make you smile Cloudia x

I think most people liked that one Bee LOL

You're welcome CrystalChick, I'm glad you enjoyed them. x

I'm pleased you had a laugh kochuravi

Oh that's a good one Beach!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Brilliant post; my favourite has to be the old man and Rose!

Thanks for the good laugh.
CJ xx

Mama Zen said...

These are so funny! That fifth one cracked me up.

theothersideofparis said...

Ho, ho!

secret agent woman said...

Those are funny!

Lorraine said...

I'm so glad I have taken the weekend off from writing. It gave me time to come here and catch up on recent posts I've missed. Absolutely excellent!