Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Six Affairs......

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.   One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you, you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


Susan at Stony River said...

I think I like that last one best!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Let the poison do its work....heehee

Valerie said...

Well done, you saved the best until last. The 3rd came a close second (if you know what I mean) but all in all they were all good. I'm not sure when I'll stop laughing though....

Flowerpot said...

I like that last one best, too!

R. J. said...

Some jokes are hard to remember for re-telling. These are very memorable. Great fun.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

thanks for the laughs this morning!

smiles, bee

Linda said...

These were all great, I can't pick a favorite though the statue one comes pretty darned close!!

Have a great middle of the week, my friend!

Finding Pam said...

Thanks for the giggles this morning. Did you write all of these?

Ron said...


OMG...all of these are hysterical. The first one and the last one are my FAVS!

Thanks for the great morning, m' dear!


buffalodick said...

Pretty darn funny stuff!

Banker Chick said...

It's good to laugh first thing in the morning

Daryl said...

I am snoffling ...

A Lady's Life said...

hahahaha that was funny lol

Mama Zen said...

These are hilarious!

Quilly said...

They were all "best ones"! Too funny.

Akelamalu said...

I did too Susan :)

I know, I really must remember that line Scots Lass ;)

I'm happy they made you giggle Valerie :)

It seems the last one is a favourite Flowerpot

I hope you get a smile when you retell them RJ ;)

You're welcome Bee x

Glad you enjoyed them Linda I hope your week gets better by the minute. x

I didn't write any of them Pam, just shared someone else's great sense of humour. Glad you enjoyed them.

I'm always happy if I make you smile Ron x

I thought so too Buff

It certainly is Bankerchick, sets you up for the day.

You liked them them Daryl!

Pleased you liked them Lady's Life :)

They are indeed Mama Zen

Glad you enjoyed them Quilly :)

Julia Smith said...

Diabolically funny! Schwartz and the statue are my favorites.

secret agent woman said...

Something about the second one appeals to me.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I loved every one! Those were great!!!!

Ash :) said...

Those were extremely funny!!!!

Winifred said...

Loved them all. Brilliant.

Nasra said...

lol. I liked the golf" and the statue one..

I am feeling in love with your blog.. please forgive me.. :)