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Wednesday, 29 April 2009

oUt oF tHe mOuThS oF bAbEs.......

Someone emailed these to me and I just had to share:


1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when awoman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was starknaked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note fromhis mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During herstruggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer thephone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She'shitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's lockerroom. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbingtowels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and thenasked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of thestation. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van... Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ' Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole hegoooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)


10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wastingmy time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and  they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'



NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO WORK

34 comments:

Thom said...

Kids are so amazing. I love this. It didn't make my day as I'm reading it before I go to bed, but I will have a pleasant nights sleep and wake up refreshed :) Thanks so much for sharing this :)

MarmiteToasty said...

:)

Kids aye...... what would we do withut them..

x

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

adam's underwear!!! that was my favorite!!!

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Finding Pam said...

Those are just great! Thanks for making me smile.

CG said...

Certainly made me smile on a very gloomy afternoon :)

Akelamalu said...

They truly are amazing Thom and so funny!

The world would end without them Marmie (wink)

I couldn't choose between them Bee :)

You're welcome Pam I'm glad you enjoyed them. :)

That's good CG x

Ron said...

#7 and #11 made me HOWL!

Wonderful post!

And it most certainly DID brighten up my day!

Thanks for sharing, dear lady!

X

buffalodick said...

All pretty darn funny!

Daryl said...

LOVE the Adam's underwear!

Dr.John said...

Kids do say the funniest things. When my daughter was little and I was preaching on giving thanks I held her up in Church and asked what she said when the ladies at the Senior Center gave her a dollar. She hollered out " Bingo".

aims said...

Yup - brightened my day!

G-Man said...

Jocularity is afoot!!!

Akelamalu said...

I'm happy to have brightened your day Ron x


I thought so too Buff :)

That was funny Daryl :)

Oh boy I bet that brought the house down Dr. John LOL

I'm so pleased it made you smile Aims x

So it would seem G-man! :)

Cath said...

Brighten my day? You got me sniggering away at a screen and my family think I am crazy... They're not far wrong.

Those are classics. Thank you.

Emmie said...

POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of thestation. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van... Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

This made me laugh out loud! thank you for sharing!

Lu' said...

Those were funny thank you ha!

Dianne said...

this was so much fun to read! thanks!!

Cloudia said...

I believe that if you copied a page of the phone book it would read wonderfully!
You GOTS it, Gal pal ;-)
Aloha

Cazzie!!! said...

I absolutely loverd reading each and every one of these!!
Now, if you don't mind..I am writing down Number 2 and giving it to my daughter to give to her teacher, LOL!!

Flowerpot said...

how could those NOT brighten anyone's day?!!

citizen of the world said...

You have to love the way a kid's mind works.

Akelamalu said...

LOL I get those looks sometimes from MWM too Cath!

Glad you got a giggle out of it Emmie.

You're welcome Lu

Kids can always raise a smile in us can't they Dianne :)

Aw thanks Cloudia x

Welcome Cassie and please help yourself. :)

My thoughts entirely Flowerpot x

You certainly do Citizen :)

Nessa said...

I refuse to go back to work. No don't wanna.

bindhiya said...

Dear Akelamalu,
I enjoyed them all. Thank you for sharing.
hope you having a beautiful day..
love & ((hugs))
bindi

bindhiya said...

Dear Akelamalu,
I enjoyed them all. Thank you for sharing.
hope you having a beautiful day..
love & ((hugs))
bindi

Annelisa said...

Great little stories Akemalu! Made me smile :-)

clean and crazy said...

awesome 55 didn't see the tattoo gun coming!!

Akelamalu said...

I don't blame you Nessa!

Thanks Bindi the same to you m'dear.x

I'm happy if they made you smile Annelisa xx

Cheers clean and crazy :)

Red said...

oh, I just love this post! Thanks for sharing

Akelamalu said...

Hi Red and you're welcome. :)

Akelamalu said...

PS Red do you have a blog? Your link just takes me to your profile page but I don't see a blog link on there. :(

Just a Plane Ride Away said...

Looooool! These are great. Thanks for sharing :-)

Akelamalu said...

Glad you enjoyed them JAPRA :)

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