Wednesday, 12 May 2010

How Fights Start.....

I just had to share these with you so you can be on your guard.

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office..

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started....
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started......


Gledwood said...


Gillian said...

Men! you can live with 'em - you can't live without 'em.

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO!!! These are just too funny. I love the one about Mad Cow and Is that your final answer... too funny. Thanks for the laughter my friend :) Congrats on your new PM also. :) How interesting it was to watch all of that on the TV. And not much security for them over there. I was astonished at that :)

Valerie said...

Laughing here, loved them all but particularly the one about the petrol station... true but funny.

Monalisa said...

Very funny...

Dumdad said...

Heard 'em before but always worth another visit. Especially the last one.

Akelamalu said...

I think I see the glimmer of a smile there Gleds ;)

That's right Gillian!

Glad you enjoyed them Thom and I'm glad you're finding our politics fascinating. Security is very low key here. ;)

I think it's because they're mostly true that they're so funny Valerie LOL

I thought so too Monalisa :)

The old ones are always the best Dumdad :)

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

thanks for the laughs this morning!

smiles, bee

buffalodick said...

My wife and I don't fight much anymore...Life sure beats it out of you...

Daryl said...

Ah Blogger has decided once again to play monitor and not permit comments and reporting it to their OF NO HELP page well ..

I am however laughing at all these, after fighting with Blogger they were a good way to reverse my mood

Ron said...


OMG, these were HYSTERICAL!

Loved them all, but this one made me HOWL...

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


Thanks for the great Wednesday morning laugh, m' dear!


Finding Pam said...

This will keep me smiling all day. Thanks for the humor.

Anonymous said...

i made the mistake of looking at these at work so had to keep the yells of laughter quiet!

R.J. said...

Great stories! I like the Social Security story best.

Cloudia said...


Aloha ha ha from Spring in Waikiki!

Comfort Spiral

Eva Gallant said...

Loved all of those! roflmao

Maggie May said...

Ha ha ha!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Spiky Zora Jones said...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started

akelamalu...this one made me laugh so hard. I have to share these...with my friends. just thought it

Dave said...

Those were sooooooooooooo funny. What a great gift you gave me today a day when I needed to smile and laugh

Jeff B said...

I feel like I've just been to the comedy club...

Great stuff, thanks for the laughs.

nicola said...

oh my gosh...that really is soooo funny, i can't wait to show my husband your wonderful blog, i will be laughing to myself all the way to the school this afternoon!! thankyou :)

Mama Zen said...

These are FUNNY!

A Lady's Life said...

lol Thanks Bill lol
My husband and I try to pick fights but it never works. Its just too funny to fight. He doesn't suit fighting and I have to laugh. lol

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truckerbananapants said...

I have read this a few times and I still laugh every time I read it. I'm new at blogging please check my blog out and comment. Thx

Linda said...

It's always nice to have a good laugh or two after working a long 16-hour shift - thanks for providing an excellent way to get them!

Akelamalu said...

You're welcome Bee x

Nice to hear you and your wife live in harmony Buff ;)

I don't know what it is with blogger and comments Daryl, but I'm glad you finally got to comment and enjoyed the laughs. x

I thought you'd enjoy them Ron x

I'm happy to make you smile Pam x

I used to do that a lot when I was working Rosneath - can be embarrassing. LOL

So pleased you enjoyed them RJ :)

HI Cloudia

Thanks Eva, glad you enjoyed them.

I see you enjoyed them too Maggie x

Please do share them Spiky - everyone deserve a laugh. x

So pleased to have made you smile Dave x

That's great Jeff x

Ah welcome Nicola, I hope your husband enjoys them too. :)

I thought so too Mama Zen :)

When a husband and wife laugh together more than they fight that's a good sign of a happy marriage Lady's Life!

Welcome Jesson and Rey Ann, glad you found me. :)

Hi Truckerbananapants, glad you enjoyed them.

I'm happy to have made you smile Linda x

Anonymous said...