Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Rest room........

Ladies has this ever happened to you?

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch.. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR !) down with your pants and assume 'The Stance'.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get'.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bottom and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks..

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet.. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? You've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.


Anonymous said...

OMG I just rolling in laughter here. This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. LOL Too funny. Happy St. Patrick's Day to you and your family. Too Funny this is :)

Elaine said...

I REFUSE to use public toilets. I'd rather wet my knickers!

family Affairs said...

SO HATE PUBLIC LOOS. Good to meet you via Suburbia - LOVE your butterfly - how do you do that? Lx

Realliveman said...

Man, I am glad I'm LOL

Anonymous said...

Did you know that if you put your purse on the hook on the door, that there are some people that reach over and take it. I used to work at the police dept and people would make reports all the time that their purse was stolen that way. If I put my purse on the hook, I wind it around the hook a few times, so it can't be snatched off quickly. I usually sit it on the big toilet paper holder. I also check for paper and I wipe off the seat. After I read about the guy that sat on a super glue toilet seat and got stuck, I always wipe the seat to make sure that there is not glue on it.
Oh, and the doors that don't latch, there seems to be one in every bathroom I go to. What do people do, break the

Akelamalu said...

Thom you would find it even more hilarious if you actually saw it happening! LOL

I know what you mean Laney but sometimes needs must. ;)

Me too Family Affairs. Welcome, nice to meet you. I'll pop over and tell you how to get a butterfly cursor later.

It's easier for men I agree but men's toilets stink Realliveman, sorry. (wink)

Glue on seats Connie? Whatever next? Doors without latches drive me crackers!

Mama Zen said...

This is so true!

Daryl said...

I have perfected a standing squat and always have Kleenex in my purse .. you never know

At last Blogger is letting me leave a comment...

Ron said...


OMG, Akelamalu...this was beyond BRILLIANT!

I laughed at every single line in this post!!!

I loved this....

"about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other girl can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door".


Oh, but you should see men in the public restrooms. It's like a bunch of monkey's whippin' out their "binkies"; standing at the urinal talking about football.

Great post, m'dear!

Thanks for the awesome laugh!


Linda said...

I've yet to figure out why they call it a "rest" room when there's never any rest involved!

Thanks for the laughs - though not the memories!!

buffalodick said...

I have peed in a womens restroom before..alcohol was involved...

tony said...

When They Say Women Can Multi-Task This Is What They Mean?

happily retired gal said...

Ohmygosh ... this is soooooo accurate! I've been known to have a man stand guard while I used the 'other facilities' just to avoid such things. That said, men's restrooms can be very gross too but there's almost NEVER a line.
Hugs and blessings,

Torn said...

OMG i almost peed my pants reading this this rocks!!!!! HA HA HA I once almost got into a fist fight in the ladies room over who was next....

check out my blog at

Akelamalu said...

Isn't it just Mama Zen!

Oh yes Daryl Kleenex in your purse is an absolute must! I didn't know you were having trouble commenting m'dear, sorry.

It's all true Ron, every word I promise you. LOL

You're right about that Linda!

That sounds like good blogfodder Buff - I expect to see it some time next week! LOL

Definitely Tony! (wink)

I've done that too when I've been really desperate Happily Retired Gal but as you say they really are gross aren't they? :(

You must tell us Torn, I'm on my way over!

ann said...

this is just too funny and true

i'm always torn - to drink or not to drink - i don't want to dehydrate but coffee and water go right through me - duh!

i had an incident at waterloo station - hung my bag on the hook, the neighbouring booth slammed their door, my beautiful expensive fringed black suede bag fell on the floor and my bottle of cool water shattered inside - my companion said i smelled like a bordello (like he knew!!!) and I ended up dumping the whole lot in the ladies in County Hall where we'd gone to see the dali exhibition - that pee cost me a lot more than a penny!!!!!!! LOL

secret agent woman said...

Maybe, although I can't say I've had anything even approaching that situation.

Torn said...

SOOOO.. the fist fight in the ladies room....

I was at an outdoor upscale band-shell type arena in my area. Many people bring blankets and picnic baskets. It was a hot summer night and my husband and I were seeing Huey Lewis and the News. I had on a tank top and capri pants. So after getting some looks because I had a few tattoos (really about a tenth of what i have today should I were the same outfit).

I really did not care about the comments because it is their narrow mind not mine. I was in line in the ladies room, there were two lines and two sides of stalls one line for each. I was finally next in line. A stall opened up on my side. A woman from the other side ran in front of me saying in a very aloof and whining voice "I was next!" I replied with "yeah in your line, for your side". She started screaming at me saying that this place was going to hell because they let "people like that" in here.

OOOOhhhh that was it! I replied with a snotty "I'm so sorry I wasn't aware you needed a stick shoved up your ass to attend a show here". She proceeded to make comments to me across the stalls and saying that it's such a shame that people have tattoos and that they are gross. I made comments relating to the Stepford wives (this was before the movie and it went over her head) and things to the fact that if she was not with her bleach blond clones she would not be running her mouth. I told her that if she wanted to say something to me she should say it to my face and not over a bathroom wall. We came out at the same time and I got right in her face and said "you still have something to say? Do you really think I'm afraid of you? I have tattoos, do you think I'm afraid of what YOU could do to me?" I flinch punched her, got real close to her face and stopped and her friend pulled her back.

Who would have thought almost a fist fight over a stall... well over her big mouth... but started over a stall........

Cloudia said...


Damn the designers and maintainers of all ladies' rooms!!!

I'd laugh but I'm angry at the indignity...

Aloha from Hawaii my Friend!

Comfort Spiral

Joy DeTete said...

Oh goodness! I just died laughing!

That I believe is a story encompassing all the bathroom events a woman will face in her life.

God help the poor soul who endures them all!

Valerie said...

Hilarious! I've got a thing about ladies' loos ... mostly I avoid them like the plague. I have been known to shout to the waiting queue that toilet paper is wanted... and I usually got some.

Akelamalu said...

Oh Ann that certainly was a disastrous 'spend a penny' wasn't it?

I've never had a situation quite that bad either SAW but the number of times I've realised too late there's no paper is too long to mention!

Oh Torn, that's a sad state of affairs but good for you for not letting the stuck up cow get away with it! You should have used this story as a post on your blog I bet your readers would be interested! PS I have a tattoo. ;)

That's it exactly Cloudia - it's all down to the designers! LOL

Joy I think most of us only experience one or maybe two of the indignities in that tale at any one time, thankfully!

Haha us ladies are usually willing to help in times of crisis aren't we Valerie :)

Gledwood said...

I heard the graffiti in women's toilets is far more interesting and witty than men's... ya know, full of the wisdom of life

and not just mobile phone numbers wanting to meet for "fun"

SomedayWifey said...

Oh dear, that certainly brings back memories of bathroom adventures... the worst; the adventures in public restrooms at theme parks. I thought Canada's Wonderland was bad... until I had to brace the the badlands that are the women's washrooms at Universal Studios and Walt Disney World.

Finding Pam said...

You left out taking your young children to the rest room. They don't understand the concept of germs.

Akelamula, this is priceless.

evalinn said...

Yes, life is hard. And since I´m a control freak I ALWAYS have paper napkins in my handbag! :-)

annami said...

Head on the nail as we say in Sweden. I really laughed when I read this. So perfect, so true and the way you subscribe it is so so funny!

A Lady's Life said...

lol I always come prepared.
My purse has everything but the kitchen sink in it. Try to steal it and I hope you have a great chiropracter lol
It usually requires wheels to carry it and I have no problem putting my purse on the ground since it is anyway lol
My husband calls me the bag lady but he and the kids are the reason for it
They refuse to carry anything and dump it on me. lol

Jingle said...

smart and funny,
what talent!

Jingle said...

please let me know after your 55 is up,
Happy Friday!
You deserve the best!

cathy said...

I always carry a small bottle of disinfectent, a disposable glove, tissues and some wet wipes with me on outing which may include the need to use public loos. God forbid my kids should have to sit on a dirty seat.

Deb said...

Ha !! Could certainly relate unfortunately ! I try to hold it all in as long as I can but after four kids...Charmin' toilet paper makes small packets of toilet paper for pocketbooks. I try to always carry one with me...just in case. And I am always irritated at how the mens' room never has a line ~ grrr. Enjoyed this post !! Take care.

MarmiteToasty said...

I only use public loos if Im so very very desperate, Id rather piddle behind a bush on a roundabout or in a layby then use the public loos LOL

funny funny post :)


Akelamalu said...

You know what Gleds, I've never actually noticed!

Gosh I'm surprised Someday Wifeuy I would have expected anything to do with Disney, especially, to be top notch! Nice to meet you.:)

Oh yes, you're so right Pam! How do you explain to a four year old grandaughter she cannot sit down to have a pee????

Welcome Annami, nice to meet you. I'm glad it made you laugh.

I've always wondered why us ladies always end up carrying everyone else's belongings Lady's Life!

Thanks Jingle :)

LOL You're certainly prepared Cathy :)

I presume there's never a line at the gents because they mostly all stand up Deb, though it's only a guess because I've never been in of course!

I have to be absolutely desperate too Marmie, glad you enjoyed the post honey. x

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